For beginners only.

It does feel like a year end. Since my course always begins and ends around June, so half a year seems like the start of something new or the end of it. But we’re not here for a long time. We’re here for a good time. Life is a constant pattern of remember forget, remember forget. Today I met a good old friend on facebook and we just had a decent chat. You know that kind of feeling when you meet someone, whether an old friend or a complete stranger, you feel like it was the best conversation you ever had in years? Especially the kind that just makes you want to do well in life? I dont know, but some people have that kind of effect. The feeling just floors on me everytime I think about it. It’s awesomazing.

Anyway, I realize I haven’t written for a long time since I began writing. I have spent so much time doing other things and nothing at all. Birding has been my latest distraction since my partner introduced me to it. I’m a real beginner. I was once a common tree watcher who slowly took interest in the world of birds out of curiosity. It took me a while to get the hang of it but it was really fun after all. It does keep my mind off things and just be closer to nature. I don’t know, but birds can be very interesting to watch. Their activities encourage us to stop whatever we're doing and watch them as they flutter around, eating bird food (be it seed, fruit or nectar), protecting their young, building their nests – and more. Plus it’s a great way to relax and enjoy some quiet time. No matter where you live or visit, there are always birds to watch and enjoy.

Going through half a year makes me feel like I haven’t done anything much worth half a year, though a lot has happened really. In fact there were many life turners happening at one time that I couldn’t keep up with some of them sometimes. But I got through them thanks to my loved ones, for whom without I wouldn’t manage to get this far. I thank you for your support and unconditional faith in me. Being a beginner in many things makes me realize how important God is and those around you.

I remember talking about these things with mom. Having mom around is always fun. The more we hang, the more I learn about my family history and what she was up to when she was my age. And of course she gets to learn more about my life and we speak like adults who are fond of each other, each with new & old wisdom to share.

I am who I am today because my mom encouraged me to do it. If you have kids, or if you work with kids, or simply have access to kids (but not in a creepy sort of way) don’t wait for them to decide what they want to do. Encourage them to try it all on. I worry our kids are racing to be adults when what I mostly see around me are adults racing back to being kids.

Perhaps I don’t make sense at all. But I am grateful for everything that I have in life now, knowing God has made it better for me everyday. The tools I rely on to keep me awake are everything from mothers to strangers, suffering to positive stories, retweets to sweet foods, reflection as prayer, and smiling as a form of relief. I've seen many ideas born and many ideas perish. I've lost things and relatives to the untimeliness of passing. And I've known kids and cancer alike and at present the score seems to be even. Thereby I choose death just as I choose rain. It simply is - and it is so. And just as I acknowledge I am - I let go.

Well, summer is in now. So keep your sunny smile and shine on! Begin doing something. We are all beginners. We haven’t done this before. You haven’t been you on this day before. I haven’t been someone’s solid rock before. I haven’t been me at 23 before. Maybe I still haven't, but I'm getting there. Each day is new and we’re all allowed to fall down as often as we need to. It is through these mistakes and fumbles that we’ll likely get it right next time.

Keep it light.

#2 Monolog.

Bukan mudah mengenal hati. Hati yang bisu tak bermakna lesu, kaku. Hati yang serasi tak semestinya difahami. Hati manusia pada dasarnya sama. Punya keinginan dan rasa. Yang membezakan isi, hanya tujuan dan alasan. Tugas dan kepentingan. Beruntunglah mereka yang mengamati hakikat hati lalu melaksanakan. Bukan sekadar pengamatan biasa, bahkan yang diperhalusi jiwa lantas hidup. Rasa seperti diterima alam dan disayangi Tuhan. Sungguh, aku iri hati dengan kekuatan yang satu itu.


Kukira manusia punya perspektif yang berbeza. Ada yang menganggap cita rasa semuanya sama namun berbeza pembawaannya. Seorang teman bisa menganggap hidup ini aneh, tapi indah. Dalam, tapi mudah. Aku juga merasa yang demikian. Namun bezanya, mungkin terletak pada nilai ‘mudah’ itu. Mudah baginya mungkin sukar bagiku. Atau juga sukar baginya namun mudah bagiku. Mungkin itulah menjadi titik tolak perbezaan dan persamaan insan. Indah bukan? Sengaja dibangkitkan perihal manusia yang macam macam. Sekadar curiga dengan kerja Tuhan.

Mungkin ada yang berasa tidak adil tiapkali aku membicarakan soal hati dan Tuhan dalam satu posisi yang selari. Seperti mengolah setiap sesuatu daripada sudut agama, terus minatnya untuk mengetahui langsung tawar. Mungkin ada yang berasa ia harus dibawa dalam satu perspektif yang lain, di mana hati itu harus dikenali atas dirinya sendiri. Tidakkah kau fikir aku telah cuba?


Hati itu bisa keliru apabila dibiar tergantung, tidak beralas. Gelisah tatkala melanggar fitrah. Hai, begitu sukarkah mengenal hati lantas mengawal? Benar, jika hati itu rimas bila lemas. Malas tika puas. Aku gagal membawa ia jauh dalam pengasingan. Hati itu benar-benar telah lekat dalam diri, bersatu dalam entiti manusia. Matinya hati, matilah manusia sebelum ajalnya. Hidupnya hati, maka hiduplah kau berkali-kali. Bagaimana, masih sukarkah kau mengenal seketul daging itu?


Barangkali aku dapat mengenal hati, barangkali tidak sampai mati. Barangkali aku dapat mengenali sesuatu yang lain yang lebih penting daripada hati. Barangkali juga aku ini manusia aneh. Punya keinginan dan rasa yang aneh. Tetapi inilah yang menjadi sebahagian daripada diriku, yang aku berharap dapat meliputi segenap akal dan jiwaku. Inilah kesukaranku, inilah kemudahanku. Inilah kemahuan dan pilihanku. Tatkala manusia tidak mampu bersabar dengan kemahuan mereka, aku mempelajari erti sabar daripada kemahuanku. Kerana aku mahu pada Tuhanku, ingin pada kasih sayangNya. Nah, mahukah aku tunjukkan lagi apa yang enggan engkau fahami?

If you can’t stop smoking, cancer will.

So I came across some information about the lung cancer and many other kinds of diseases where the habit of smoking could really lead to them. And I can’t help but feel the need to write about it. Common sense tells me that when you know something, especially if it benefits other people, by all means spread the word. So today’s tip is simple. Stop Smoking. I know you’ve been told over and over by God knows how many people but that’s because it’s just not worth cutting your lifespan on cigarettes. Not to mention, the smoking trend ended in the 90’s. Give it up. If you don’t smoke, I challenge you to help someone you know quit.

Now according to Malaysian’s statistics, about 50 teenagers below the age of 18 start smoking daily. Studies show about 30% of adolescent boys (aged 12 to 18) smoke. Unfortunately though not surprisingly, smoking among female teens is rising, where in overall, nearly one in five teens smokes. Some studies have also shown that lung cancer is rising at a rate of 17% a year. Thank you very much Mr Dunhill, Kent and family.

So I’ve known a friend who’s been smoking for 10 years and he told me how much fear and insecurity is wrapped up in it. I also know how scary it is when you think about quitting. You might think life is gonna suck, that you’ll gain weight, or be depressed. But the fact is, if you keep smoking, you will always be out of shape and depression will be more common. To get a similar buzz, you may as well put your lips around an exhaust pipe.

To not smoke means you care about what goes into your body, thus strengthening your level of consciousness. The less toxins in your body means the less toxic thoughts you’re likely to have. Ignorance may be bliss, but it is also unattractive.

Some people say they smoke because of boredom. Some people smoke because it keeps them awake and gives them a recharge. Some people smoke to help them relax. A cigarette isn’t a miracle performance enhancer. No, it isn’t. It’s you who chooses boredom, to be awake or to relax. A sunset will still be beautiful without a cigarette to mark the occasion. A movie is still the same movie even if you don’t smoke after it. The drive to work is still the drive to work. Why add poison to the process? Spare me. I wouldn’t even date a smoker.

That’s enough of my spiel. If you want to quit, just do it. If you want some assistance, there are many great ways to do it. If you’re in an environment which doesn’t help you in the process, leave it or create anew. Be in a circle of friends who appreciate your effort. Or make one. Nothing works best than trying to solve the root of the problem and work from thereon. And if you still can’t figure out why, try to meditate your soul in your prayers. Look deeper. It’s a painless great method that doesn’t put any additional pressure on your transformation. Then have faith in new you. Belief, does a remarkable job of reversing the psychological addiction that smoking actually is. So please come of age and stop flipping ash and butts all over the road, into the drainpipes and out into the murky water we need for the sustainability of future generations. Everyone has a right to clean water and air. Your consideration and activism do make a difference in your life, and ours. Thus, us.

I wish all of yous, in the best of health ;-)

Be smart don't start!

r_L

Of aloneness and togetherness.

I always have this constant voice rehearsing in my head whenever something happens. Kinda like telling me to take a mini break or just take a deep breath. Anything that I thought would help me sort things out. Just to clear my head for a while and see things from a different angle. I needed that. Usually in the past, I’d just have a good shower and the worries just seemed to drain away. So it kinda helped.

But now, I’m not sure if anything works for anything anymore. Neither does it help being on my own nor digress. Not all situations can be dealt alone it seems. I know this is true. Sometimes when you see a friend going through some changes, you do not leave him or her alone. Even if he/she thinks it’s something “I have to go through myself” thing, and just brings forth that kind of attitude (which can be pain in the neck sometimes I know), but you do not leave him/her alone. Deal with your friend. Be understanding. Show them that you’re there even if they think they don’t need you. Because you know that deep down they do. Trust me, I know this for a fact :)

Then again, that does not mean you cannot have some time of your own. I’m sure we all need it at some point. But to face your fears alone aint an easy thing. It can be overwhelming. So go confide in Your Lord. Seek comfort and solitude. Enlighten your faith. Don’t give in to fears. Embrace them. Share your musing with a friend. Going through me-time does not mean excluding everyone in your life and giving up everything else. It just means opening up a little part of you, showing your true self to those who really care about you. Eventually, you’ll figure out what really matters to you. And I know God is enough for me :)

“Seseorang Muslim yang bercampur gaul dengan orang ramai dan sabar terhadap gangguan-gangguan mereka adalah lebih baik dari Muslim yang tidak bercampur gaul dengan mereka dan tidak sabar terhadap gangguan-gangguan mereka.” (At Tirmizi)

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.

Good to be back!

r_L

Grazie mille.

Today is one of those beautiful days where I could think nothing but all sorts of goodness. And more importantly, I feel like I owe people and things around me many thank yous. For a reason or without.

So there, I shall thank you all wonderful souls for being part of my life- knowing you is a joy ;-)

Amidst this silence, I am especially thankful to God for letting me savor this moment of gratitude and thus able to spread His message of Love with everyone else. There is so much to be thankful about when you really think about it. For Islam and knowing its beautiful essence, I am truly honoured to be in this religion. It's always been a pleasant journey to learn so many wonderful insight hidden therein. I could only pray that this beauty stay with me for as long as I live. And even beyond that. Truly, Your Companion is forever felt and cherished :-))

Speaking of which, here is how you could perhaps show your gratitude to little things that have happened in your life. You’ll be amazed at the positive impact you’ll be making on your surrounding and yourself:

- Turn the tap off while you brush your teeth

- Repair before you renew

- Pick up local litter

- Walk

- Make something with leftovers

- Switch your lights off

- Take your own bags to the supermarket

- Dispose of chewing gums carefully

- Only fill the kettle with what you need

- Recycle spectacles/ old mobile phones

- Use paper on both sides

- Use a pen until it runs out of ink

- Unplug your mobile phone as soon as it’s charged

- Don’t print it unless you really, really need to

- Turn your computer screen off

- Buy local products

-... and thank those who help make your day better. It's priceless.

The problem with our society is that we tend to care what other people think. Like it or not, we do something because of acceptance. And we don't do something because of the same reason. To be accepted is nice, that's when we feel most welcomed or appreciated. But sometimes, we have to get out from our comfort zone and do something that many of us won't do. Especially when you know you're doing the right thing. You may think that these little things you do don't count, because you're not on a bigger scale to cause that difference. And because that's what you've been told over and over by most people. But don't be most people. Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does :)

No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks!

r_L

I don’t know what to say.

A lot of unexpected things happened to me as of late. My laptop crashed when I had my life stored in it and that nothing could be retrieved. Okay, so that was a bit dramatic but you know what that means. Things happen when we least expect them. Hmm, hang on. Well I had a feeling that my laptop would soon malfunction, considering it’d been working for more than 5 years now(?) So it was kinda expected indeed. But what I didn’t expect to happen was the fact that it just died on me on one fine day. And I didn’t know what could possibly go wrong. Hargh.

Anyways, I’m doing alright. Things have been pretty crazy lately (with tons of work and programme and seminar… yay!) but I’m catching up so far. A bit worried about how in the world am I going to pull this one off (now that my laptop’s dead) but I’m not letting go. There’s no way I could possibly work things out if I’m too stressed but yeh, a lil bit of stress is good. Just enough to push me forward, to keep me going. As for right now, perhaps you can tell that I’m trying to channel my worries into productive energy. And this page is great for that :)

Well truth is, I was pretty dumbfounded as to where to begin. I mean I’ve begun somewhere but I’m not sure if I’m going towards the right direction. I guess I could care less now that time is running out and that nothing much I could do. All I’ve been doing is getting the materials back i.e find all the relevant sources and try to put them together, see if they fit or not. It’s a head scratch I know, as if I did almost nothing at all but hey, I guess I'll just find ways to get them done properly. I hope this is alright for now :-/

More importantly is that it dawned on me that technology is just a tool to help you; it never really defines who you are as a person nor tells people what kind of personality you have. And that is unsurprisingly true. Come to think of it, I’ve depended my life so much on it that I’ve become less self reliant. I’ve stored so much information in my computer’s micro brain, but not mine. So you can say I remember or understand almost nothing. Perhaps, worse, this brain of mine has never entirely worked on its own nor produced much significant thoughts. So much for the human power. Pfft.

Then again, I’m not here to tell you to go throw your things away now and be a technophobe. There’ s no need to blame technology for the classic mistakes we make. It’s just that while I’m still myself (i.e my actual brain thinking) and in the moment of self reflection, it’s good to know that it’s not the end of the world when something happens. In fact, let’s take this as an opportunity to unleash your real self and bring it forth. Be resourceful and see what happens. Will you make it or break it? :-)

Just think of one thing (not a person)… say a very important tool to you that has been with you for a very long time now gone/lost/broken/fill-in-the-blank. So what will you do without it? Will you lose yourself too? Or will you find ways to keep that little part of you somehow? Or just find something else that is equally good?

I’d like to find that out myself. Hmm.

Have a nice day,

r_L

[W]rite-ous.

A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. It finds the thought and the thought finds the words. ~ Robert Frost

I've noticed that the best poetry comes when everything else is crumbling. Or put together, like it or not :-)

r_L

Some words. Finally.

I suppose I haven’t written anything much as of late. If you think that life just gets busy or that I just can’t write anymore or perhaps I’m just being downright lazy…yep, you are right about all of them. I’m all it.

It could be that I’ve been subconsciously detaching myself away from the palpable madness for a while. No, not that I’ve become a man of God or something, (even that is not a bad idea), but frankly speaking, I’m just putting myself in a comfort solitude for the past few weeks. I wasn’t becoming a recluse either, in fact, I got myself involved in a few life's events and even took committment in some of them. And sure, it felt kinda nice. Still does.

Anyways, if you feel that life needs you to move on but what you need right now is a 3-minutes break, by all means, have it. Eat a banana. Listen to a song that suits your moodswing. Or just stare at the sky for one full minute and take a deep breath. Right now I’m just listening to the song below because I feel kinda mellow. And that I miss home. Yes, it sure gives me the best homesick feeling I ever get that I just wanna go home and be with everyone else :-/

Then again, if anything befalls you today- just take it easy... but still take it.

... and to Mom, if you're reading this- Happy Birthday and I very much love you :-)

r_L

Never knew that a " p value" could be so significant...

Alhamdulillah, I made it :-)

r_L

I need a reason to reason.

There’ll be moments when you don’t feel like writing anything even when you think you will or just have that sort of motivation. So I was inspired by many things and people recently. And proudly have written nothing about them as of yet. Procrastination is the word. I’ve been putting off writing to the public because my sentences as of late have been scatterbrained and incomplete.

Anyways, I don’t think it’s a bad thing when you don’t feel awesome. Awesomeness may not be something you feel everyday, but that’s fine. The existence of other feelings is perhaps, just to make you miss the old feeling of being awesome. That it is something special and not just any other feeling that you can get now and then. Rather, it needs to be lived and cherished as much as possible when it is felt. Otherwise, you’ll still experience something else. Something different or equally awesome. So it’s not at all bad, really :-) 

Now a random but rather obvious question yet questionable…do you think that everything happens for a reason? 

One thing for example- I love medicine yet I don’t know why exactly I’m loving it. 

I guess the desire to do it gets stronger each day but the reason just wears away. Maybe I just want to go home someday, thinking that I have done something right…that I have actually saved somebody’s life. Hmm. No superficial nor profound motive. Just that. 

As much as I believe in logic and all that statistics, I still hold on to intuition and its 'practicality'. I believe in God’s mysterious way of making things happen and call it hope. And I do believe there’s reason to everything… some are just known to us, some are understood at last. Some are fathomable, and some are just plain complex. But most of the time, it is right before us, we just need some time to think it through. So there is such thing as the “right” moment to realize it. Understanding isn’t something you can get by observing the outcome, but by living the outcome. It is not something you can work out easily only to find out if there’s any meaning to it, but perhaps, time is the only thing that’ll make it meaningful. And that it is not simply a wish, but rather a gift to those who deserve it.

Oh maybe I’ll go see fireworks, someday… and that’s because I just want to see them. 

... or prolly get in touch with an old friend, like a scoop of ice cream. Well, I need no reason for that. 

Rock it. 

r_L

If ever I felt cool in this life, it was then.

So it all started at the ice rink. I had a good time with a few friends. Yep, my first time ever. But it wasn’t bad at all. Ice skating was fun. And that was enough to make me inline skate again. After 9 years without it, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna start anew. Like a total amateur. And ready to get bruised all over again. Oh yeh, bring it on…

Then today, I started simple. Just going around the neighbourhood. And the kids were watching me skate as if it was some kind of new religion. No, not because I flew up in the air or did those hella good moves or what (you wish it happened that way lol) it’s just the mere sight of rollerblades somewhat gave them the thrills already. Oh, I recognised the feelings all too well, I suppose. Kinda reminds me of my sisters and our childhood friends, who were also our skate buddies- Hani, Helmi, Hakim… when we started the thing, which became a phenomenon since. And you guys were awesome! I wonder if they still remember those twists and jumps. Oh how we loved the risks- of steeps and bumps. Haha. Sensational. As always :) 

Ah, looking at ‘em bruises now, I think I remember where I got those holes on my pants from. Thanks to my several attempts-which-I-knew-would-fail-somehow-but-nevermind. So I fell just everywhere and made some turns. It wasn’t a rock star experience, that’s for sure. But maybe after some practice, who knows if I’ll ever be as good as I once was. Hopefully. Well anyways, I’d definitely give it a shot.

Tomorrow, I’m gonna start with some basic moves and smooth my turns. Just to see whether I still got it. Haha. Otherwise, it’s one of those moments where you can be a total idiota and just have a good time. I know I will :)

…but first, I need to get a pair of shin guards or something. Why, I only have two knees.

Keep rollin’

r_L

This is it for now.

Rest Assured

* I'd like to thank Stella for your suggestion for the title of this one. Yes, it fits perfectly. And also to Bill and Allan, thank you very much for your thoughts. Very much appreciated :-) 

I believe in 

peace, 

even if it dies;

dreams, 

where my hope survives;

love, 

when all I have 

                            is

                                I.

I believe in 

gifts,

so you can be found;

music, 

where you're the sound;

presence,

when you

                  ’re 

                     around.

I believe in

chances,

where life is learnt;

nature,

that we’ve abandoned;

and God,

though He

                   is 

                      silent.

***

*so this will be my last post until God knows when. yes, i do have a life in case you aren't aware lol. just need to get a few things done. properly. anyways, i thank you for sticking around. just stay awesome, please :) 

r_L

It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.

So I accidentally write and post a lot these days, therefore some people may assume I have every self-published word memorized or that I live these shared thoughts constantly. This is not the case. My brain doesn’t reference myself very well actually, and I’m sure I contradict myself every other day in one way or another. One day I feel like I have all the wisdom of the world and the next day my soul wears thin and I stutter just ordering ice cream. 

Then again, this is what I love doing; and that it keeps me going. There’s no rule saying that you can’t be happy with what keeps you so. Just rant. Talk about whatever that comes to mind. Don’t worry about “not making any sense in this or that” … because you will, eventually. Listen to music or anything that appreciates your feelings. Sing to it out loud. Write down things that “get you” or that don’t- see if they’re related. Amuse yourself with crazy ideas and funny drawings. Write whatever and call it poetry. Express your utmost thoughts and feelings, through words or pictures. Create and recreate. You know you’re most alive when you’re in tune with yourself. So expand and spread that awesomeness elsewhere :-) 

By the way, speaking of which, something awesome is going to happen soon. A one-hour night that may mean a lot to our Mother Earth. And this is something that you can take part so easily without needing so much energy. And I mean that literally :-) 

8:30PM local time, wherever you live on planet Earth. Saturday 28 March 2009. Just sit in the dark and share stories. Get your ‘on the night’ photos with family and friends. Lie around the beach and get a star tan. Keep in tune with Mother Nature. Whether you’re in solitude or multitude- thank your Lord. Whatever you do or however you spend that one hour, it will all be it worthwhile :-)

More of this? 

Earth Hour

May the muse be with you.

r_L

Writing should never be this hard.

Hati itu Bumi; kadang-kadang cantik, kadang-kadang merisaukan!
barangkali seperti Langit- kadang-kadang lapang, kadang-kadang menyesakkan. Kau mungkin keras, puas- tapi masih kosong, sepi. atau mungkin, cukup lurus -tapi telus, berisi budi. Hati itu Satu; bukan dua. Kau tiada; atau semua. Hati yang indah mungkin cinta- namun pada siapa? Hati yang terikat pada kiblat- itulah Nikmat yang paling padat! Hai hati, kau mati sebelum manusia dimamah Bumi- cantik tapi tua, asli tapi plastik…kan aku dah kata, kau ini seperti Bumi?


Karut tetap karut. But I have to begin somewhere to start writing poetry again. Yes, it’s been a while it seems. And yet, I came up with this. Haha. I was never good at Malay writing to be honest. I wish I was a lot better. Not that I never tried… it’s just that every time I do, they all sound too good to be true. Too flowery, I suppose. Haha. But despite all that, I just need to get the right feeling to express better. No pun intended :-)

I’m not messed up. But these random thoughts just popped up in my head. Macam-macam interpretasi bila tengok gelagat orang. Kadang-kadang rasa letih dengan pemikiran sendiri. Haha. Dah lama tak fikir banyak. Seronok pula rasanya, bila sekali sekala berlaku. Teringat zaman yang bingung… semua benda nampak macam asing. Hmm. A beautiful memoir, it was :-) Anyway, I’m sure we all have our own minds that we choose to live in, don’t you think?

So dear writers out there. You know who you are. Keep on writing. Write something random. Be random. Tell us what you think. Or what you do not think. Talk to someone you least expect to talk to about things. Share a secret. Go ahead and be in love. Live the moment as it should be lived :-)

A poet without hysterics is rare.


kutumerah

Oh. Well.

We have the propensity to believe. Or belie.

I believe that humans tend to appreciate things better in little quantity. Or when it doesn’t exist at the moment when we want it so badly. Kinda like getting half a scoop of ice cream now at this ungodly hour, perhaps I’d be more than happy.

Alright, so getting half a scoop won’t suffice. I just belied myself.

Then again, I believe in the goodness of Life- of random kindness. And of things. I believe in whatever you choose to believe in. I believe in your decisions and dreams. Yes, I might believe in just about anything- because I’m a damned believer in all sorts of goodness. And it feels so right and natural.

For some reason, I know the fact that by just believing isn’t enough. Eventually there’ll be a moment when your belief is put to test- whether or not what you believe is real or just what it is that you really believe in after all. But all I know is that whatever happened to you in the past is not happening now. You will be safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings, I promise.

…meanwhile, from another dimension- I sense that Love has begun to remove the clothing of Life and granted you its naked perspective. The beauty of the naked difference is gloriously vast. Be inspiring or get inspired. Love looks good on you ;-)

Happy Friday, all of yous.


p.s: Happy 20th Birthday, Kamilah ( yes, I know it’s been over a week!)

p.p.s: .....and have a glorious 20th birthday today, Anis ;-)

r_L

To feel or not to feel...

This moment feels like, whatever. Yknow, kinda like going through a day where you feel like nothing really matters… you won’t care how you look like waking up with that pillow hair… let alone wonder what day is it really ‘cos you’re not looking forward to weekends or any days in fact. Then just smile at yourself in front of the mirror, WITHOUT being a usual cynic (who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing) and still not affected by the ‘do but happy enough with a comb over to start the day with…

And everything is fine.

It is not right to ask me whether I’ve gone bald or not, though that’s not entirely wrong to know the truth. But it’ll be more interesting to find out why do I always have issues with hair for God’s sake(?) Well, I’d like to know that myself so maybe we can just have an honest and a peaceful discussion without needing to pull each other’s hair ‘cos I just can’t afford to lose some more, thank you. Haha.

Alright, so that sounds familiar. Well yeh, this could be the 2nd post to that of previous one…the one on bad hair day thing, so to speak. Except that this time, I’m not gonna complain about my hair being whatever or someone else’s hair for that matter… (well, truth is, mine’s doing fine alright though STILL not that kind of amazing, either, but whatever). One thing really, I’m starting to grow my love for it alright. By just being generally appreciative and adaptive. I find this attitude amazing. It pleases me. Very…ve..ry… slowww..ly.

Gosh. It’s been a while since I felt like I was myself again. The usual different self, which has been “taken away” from me the as of late. Part of me was glad that I got to be another usual self more often; while another part of me just missed that old feeling. Why, it seems like I’m a two-faced woman now…but not an impostor, you see. I guess it’s just hard to justify when you’re arguing with yourself, really. And today I just read some random post on the net which gave me a totally unrelated feeling, where the writing was so real it felt like I was finally meeting someone with whom I could just sit down and have a meaningful conversation, though I'd likely just stare at that one person and listen intently with tears in my eyes. It feels amazing. No kidding.

So today’s lesson: Nothing is final. One day you’re high. The next day you’re low. You might have a funky, expressive, or awful haircut today, but soon it will grow into something else, something new and random. Maybe you grew up liking pop music and boy bands, but now you like a specific mash up of Electronic & Classical. You might decide you don’t want to smoke cigarettes anymore; that it’s just not who you are. Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held.

And everything is fine. Not finAL.

Tomorrow is another story- I might not be feeling like I am today… but I do believe that the future is so bright that I just gotta wear em shades and feel awesome.


Just let your inner light shine forth!


Right on,
r_L

Lookin' up and above

The sky is my favourite. It’s the perfect background for anything that comes between it and the ground, while the sun is just a powerful element…its light is so fantastic that it’s able to brighten up the entire sky. Plus, the clouds are just as amazing- they work like white brushes; running free across the sky yet they create a massive art like nothing ever created. Subhanallah. It’s miraculous how God’s creations work in silent, yet the upshot is overwhelming.

One late evening.

Have you not seen how God makes the clouds move gently, then joins them together, then makes them into a stack, and then you see the rain come out of it.... (Quran, 24:43)

Skywalking,
r_L

And here's another one...

Okay, so here's a few more words before I leave this page alone lol. I know I just have to write this down. That one picture I posted earlier was not enough to describe the good days I've been having so to speak. I remember how addicted I was with picture taking. I was never good with cameras, though I planned of having my own someday… meanwhile Ng is up for a Lomo type(!) Haha, it’s always the old school thingy that gets us best, yes. So currently I’ve been eyeing this Polaroid… why, it almost feels like impossible to get one now. The film is quite expensive, so I was told. But I’m not giving up. As I think I told you before, Polaroid is one of the coolest things you can ever own- why, it’s instant, fresh and so demm natural. Kinda like having a fun yet serious companion (yes, that involves money and commitment!)

Okay, that aside, here is a random picture I took years ago, while I browsed through my old collection :)

I was in my final year of high school when I took this picture. I remember that I was late for school but somehow managed to take this one with class while on the run! Lol. Anyways, it still looks awesome just the way I remembered it. Of how the morning smelled like fresh grass and yes, the cool breeze. It really feels good recalling the moment now though, perhaps… especially so. It was one of the best mornings I ever had back then. If I were to worry about being late at that moment and just walked away, I definitely wouldn’t have the chance to talk about how amazing the morning was. I’m just glad I took the picture otherwise.

Unfortunately, though, I don’t take as much pictures like I used to, now. And I’m not sure when will I ever start again. In the meantime, I just box them skies with my fingers…true, the sky is too big to fit into the frame but there goes my imaginary camera. No films needed, just some space of your photographic memory...then, pray that the beautiful moments will stick in your head for as long as you breathe and let live :)

Alright, so pictures just do me wonders. No, rather God does. And I love surprises and coincidences. I love them even more when I don't pass them off as luck, but rather recognize them as a sign that my life's course is right on track.

And for all those countless blessings around me, I thank You God for the Heaven and the Earth.

r_L

20082008

So me is back for another atypically typical post. I’d like to apologize for whatever I wrote in the previous one, which might have caused some people emotional disturbances. LMAO. If anything, that was just me writing out loud (again!). Hee. And yes, I now know one obvious fact though- no one likes a whiner, especially one who’s living within her own fantastical dream. :)

Anyways, speaking of which- it’s strange sometimes how dreams get under your skin and give your heart a test for what’s real and what’s imaginary. Yesternite, I had a weird dream as if going to bed mad about God knows what. I prolly would have had it written if I knew what it was about, but I just couldn’t remember. Lol. So I spent a few long minutes this morning calming myself down and apologizing to my soul and her sisters for my dreamy outbursts. Along with this journal post of chasing down the absurd, a long shower and healthy meditation have brought me back to earth. Should I relapse after this I’ll just take myself spending. This page is great for that.

I peeked open the drapes and the most powerful of white lights burst into the room. It looks humid, but a beautiful day to have off.

Have a good day, all of yous.

Aujourd'hui

Current impression: My Interpretation by Mika

I was waiting for my twin outside a mini grocery store when I noticed the barber’s next to it. It occurred to me that I never went to any barber’s before, knowing that it is intended for male customers only. I wonder why I never wanted to go in there when I was a kid. Or maybe even if I did, my dad usually went there on his own. Well, not that I wanted to get a haircut, of course, but just to see how it was like inside. But then, it would be too weird to do it now. So I just looked from the outside, playing curious as I watched a little boy through a semi-transparent shop window, adjusting to his seat position as he was trying to look as comfortable as he seemed. Apparently the boy looked like many other little boys who would be there for one reason- getting short back and sides. I knew the moment he stepped into the shop, he was acting nonchalant; as though expecting it would happen anyway. He seemed rather unresponsive than excited about getting his haircut done, which he knew it wasn’t going to give him an entirely new look but was believed to feel that way, yet still feeling nervous all the same. I was fulfilled.

It was amazing to see all sorts of expressions on people and trying to figure out what they actually meant. I just found out that there is a basic set of facial expressions that is understood by around much of the world, a minilanguage in which thousands of words are swapped for the six basic expressions of happiness, sadness, fear, surprise, disgust, and anger. Just for the record, I occasionally feel somewhat unaffected. It is neither sad nor happy emotion. Nor anything between the extremes. It’s more like a whatever kind of feeling, y’know. Sheesh. Whatever.

A few days ago, I had this normal conversation with a friend that left me feeling not so normal afterwards. We talked about what’s going on with our lives and what could have happened otherwise. It seemed like I never really knew that one person I thought I did all too well. I was amused to learn some unusual facts that were coming from him or her. Every normal person, in fact, is only normal on the average. His ego approximates to that of the psychotic in some part or other and to a greater extent. It didn’t take long for me to believe that Sigmund Freud couldn’t be anymore right. I thought I knew exactly how to react to certain feelings; I thought I was ready. But when a friend really confronted me about his or her problems, I realized I was far from ready. I didn’t remember all the right words to say or just do anything right at all. It was like despair when I was at work and guilt when I wasn’t. Or maybe, I just can’t handle sadness anymore. So seeing the pain and disappointment so usually leaves me nothing but feeling more unaffected each day. Hmm.

Nonetheless, here’s to today, which is Thursday. Today is blog entry #75. Today is to swing back and forth in the playground. Today is a perfect day to be grateful for what you have and have experienced. Today is for nothing else but to stuff anything edible into your mouth and feel alright about it. Today is a great day to expose a crush you have on someone with hot sauce on the breath.

Tomorrow will be a great day to feel awkward and to figure out how to go back to being just friends.


r_L