when what is bad is not so bad, after all

Let’s have a recap about what happened this week:

Asa (my roommate) went home last week. Family matters, she said. That’s understood. This week, she’s gone. As in really gone. The table’s been cleared, locker emptied- ( none)

I hate the thought that I knew what happened and I did. She left.

I hate the fact that she gave it up when I thought her life was doing pretty well.

I hate the way she left us. That was a tad cruel.

I hate it if she thinks that’s the best for everyone. I think not.

I hate it when she told me things so casually; and only me.

I hate myself when I acted so casually in turn; as if none of this ever happened.

I hate it when she thought I would understand, though I know I would eventually.

Sigh. Yes, I know I would eventually. And that sucks.

I’m not in good shape, really. In fact, I’m upset. Yes, I’ve been upset the whole week over this thing. And over myself. It was really hard to be unaffected; to pretend to be happy and smile in front of those who knew not. I thought I’d rather keep this feeling all to myself, knowing none would bother.

Galoh (a good friend of Asa) came over today. She looked for Asa, as I had expected. She told me that she couldn’t reach for her, so she came over, thinking she would be around. At that time, I figured out that Asa told no one but me. How could she make me explain for what happened? But I did anyway. I swear I saw that kind of look on her face. She was already teary-eyed. I felt like I’d just said the meanest thing ever (!) God, this is brutal, I thought. I knew it was. But she had the right to know. Sigh.

The fact that I don’t know why this happened and why to me, really. At least, not this sooner. But that’s how things really happen, isn’t it? They couldn’t have ended any other way. Maybe Asa is right all along. Maybe it was the best for everyone. Maybe it was hard for her to say goodbye that she did not leave anything at all. Maybe she told me alone about what happened because she knew I could understand. She knew I would. And I knew it was something she had to do, something her heart told her to- to find where her life really lies? Maybe. I don’t know. I could only hope. It was her choice. Very painful and risky choice. But I respected that. I had to.

God, you know what, sometimes, I wish I don’t understand things. At least, not so easily. And that I wish I don’t see or hear things and rationalize them differently. As if your thought desperately needs a tacit approval of what you’ve seen or heard. Darn. I wish… d’oh; I don’t know what I'd wish for, really.

Well, Asa, if you think it was unfair. Yes, it was. I’m not saying you’re making a mistake, either. I’m glad to know the fact that you’ve finally found your way. At least, your new beginning. Something not most of us could ever find. Not even me, as of yet. I know deep down you’re not giving up, you’re just changing for a better direction. To find what you already knew. Your own continuum.

In the meantime, just be well, ok? ;)

God, we love you we do,

r_L

awesome mates

.: Muiz:. .: Alep:. .:Anas:. .:Ayouq:. .:Aynie:. .:Faex:. .:Nana:. .:Me:.

(for better view, please click on the pic)

nothing much

There are a few things that always happen to me every now and then. I find it amusing sometimes now that they’ve become part of my routine. Y’know…the unavoidable kinds of things.

I’ll leave you to ponder some random stuff I have noticed:

1) It usually takes me at least 2 minutes to find my other pair of black sandal whenever I go out. Why, people seem to be kicking it whenever they pass my room. Darn.

2) I’ve been turning off the tap while brushing my teeth for the last few months only for two reasons- to conserve the water and… okay, stupid I am but I was hoping Jason would appreciate it (why, he’s sucha mother nature). But hey, it’s a good thing- I echo his desire for nature. No pun intended. Smile.

3) My favourite carrel room (place where I do self-study in the library) has always been 306. Why? It’s more spacious and cozy. Plus, it’s my room number- much easier to remember.

4) I always have “names” wherever I go. No, no bad names that I don’t know of- just names as a way of teasing. From Zizi to Ira...God, it never seems enough. *chuckle*

5) Usually, I’ll take a few hundred shots of the sky. Almost everyday. They may look monotonous for every single shot, but believe me- not really. The sky’s too big to fit in the frame. I can’t help but take a few more. It’s just… overwhelming.

6) I love to put on my pajamas after shower. Day or night… like it or not- you’ll see me in it.

7) I wish I’d known Arabic by heart- so that I don’t have to worry about my grammar so much or wonder what it means so badly.

8) ..and oh, I wish I spoke better French. It’s getting weak and old, ay.

9) I’m such a speed freak. I love watching all sorts of auto racing… A1, F1, you name it. I’m in.

10) I love Jason Mraz and there’s no way I could ever hate him.

Asa (my roommate) thinks the opposite- I’ll hate him when I’ve come to that “highest level of liking”. I doubt it. Okay, so maybe that can happen. I will like him so much that there’s no point of having a boyfriend to ever measure Jason up. I’ll probably stay single for the rest of my life, dreaming over this Jason-who, ( since it’s impossible for him to know if I ever exist! ) And for that possible reason, I will hate him in future.

… but then again, maybe I won’t. It’s just unthinkable. Period.

Life's good,

r_L

Nature bound

I surrender eventually and write these words. The moon wins the staring contest again.

I can’t help but to immediately begin to shape sentences when I see something amazing. It’s my way of feeling like I’m actually standing or lying here with someone. It’s been my best friend and counselor. I think, it’s the reason I’ll probably be single for the rest of my day, the reason I eat ice cream twice in the average night and it’s how I celebrate every aspect of my spiritual self.

D’oh, perhaps the world is just being at its odd tonight. Quiet and mysterious. I think I’ll wake up early tomorrow and see how the day breaks. I’ll watch as the clouds transform from one “face” to another until sunset. Then, later at night, I’ll look up and stare at the moon again. Just to see if it’s doing alright.

Yawn.

I’m reluctant to move. But my eyelids have been battling with my eyesight, tempting to close them both. As much as my eyes desire to have another long look at the moon, I know that I have to let it go. Sooner or later. Sigh. Yawn. Sigh again.

... I guess I'll recoil in my sleep as I dream about the moon. And the rest is ephemeral.

so nature bound,

r_L