when the computer demands a blog...

of days gone

The days

are blissful

in repose

or supposed to be.

The wind

blows in sadness

as rumours

kill the peace.

The stars
are dimly bright

refracting

the reluctant fire;

the unbearable sound

of her muted children’s cry

cracking the hole in the sky

the moon with its rusty ring-

slowly fading away

[empty]

“Nobody seems very hungry

Nobody seems to care

Nobody saw the god in himself

Quietly standing there”

The torn sky

watches in silence

weeping.

The rain

untouched by magic

or economic stress

just dreams-

of the wide blue sea.

Oh, today

yes, today

is blissful

in repose

or supposed to be.

07/01/2006

r_L

CAN'T THINK*

God, I hate it when this happened. I mean, I don’t know what I was thinking then, let alone now. Hmm, well, it’s no big deal… I know it shouldn’t be. It’s just hard to think, or rather learn to accept the fact that my brain isn’t functioning that all too well now. I can’t panic either, simply because I can’t think* Darn.

It seems that my mind is at its quietest today. Usually, when I see things, I think. When I see sky; I’d smile and think. When I see something amazing- I’d observe and reflect. Okay, maybe not when I see someone attractive and all- I don’t think I really think. Haha. But hey, that’s the only exception. Otherwise, I’m just enjoying the rare beauty while it’s around. Sweet.

By the way, I’ve been listening to James Morrison. D’oh, that boy is a genius! Delightful blend of brilliant music and catchy lines- certainly would solidify and liquefy your soul at the same time. I can’t lie about his sultry voice… it seems that it’s been rehearsing in my head like a tape. I don’t know why, it is somewhat fixed in my brain, though- unspoiled. Ahh, I’m pretty sure you’re thinking I’m over Jason Mraz now. Well, no. That boy is simply exceptional. James Morrison and Jason Mraz and John Mayer. What do these boys have in common? Hmm..gosh, I think I have a thing for those with the same initial- JM! Bingo. Haha. Maybe I should have the same initial too- J… M…but what would it mean? What if MJ, as in Mary Jane? It is JM if spelled backwards. Hmm.

Hi, my name is Mary Jane. Just call me MJ*

Haha, ridiculous it seems- about changing my nick and all. But I like it anyway. Why not? MJ sounds like fun, just like the girl in those spidey movies. Otherwise, I’m just trying to figure out what am I doing and why do I do the way I do. So, maybe, typing these words out might help with the explaining. The reason why am I doing this- something so unimportant or equally mindless.

… that’s because I can’t think, silly*

Sigh. I need a break. No, I already have one. Indeed, way too much that I can’t think now. Maybe I need some food. Uh, I’m not pretty sure how that helps me get my brain back. Why, I eat all the time(!) Gee, I need someone to stop me from eating so much (as I think I told you before). But hey, that’s not the case now, ay.

... you really need a life, sweet*

Sigh. What the hell you think I’ve been doing?? *chuckle*

Getting one [obviously],

MJ r_L

Of being single and independent

Ahh. Inevitable subject. I’ve been wanting to get it posted here some day. Yes, I’ve been meaning to write about it. On V-day, Feb 14, that is. Apart from all things, it was not meant to celebrate another year of my célibataire, which included the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months… of my singularity, (though in some ways, yes) Haha. Okay, okay. So what? I’ve been single for 18 years, almost 19 now. Gee, quite a record.

Darn. I feel old. Sooo old.

Remember Min, the girl who called me the other day? She’s the only “enemy” I have in this life and there’s no other. (No, sweet, there’ll be no other.) We talked pretty much about everything. How were things and all and we had a good conversation. Boy, we always had a good one. Once she told me that she’d resolute to “enjoy being single and be happy about it”, in which sounded more like a girl who was recently being dumped by her boyfriend to me. Haha. Well, funny that was because she was not having any at that moment. Indeed, we were not having any at all. Uh, still not getting any, though. Ick.

Anyway, I couldn’t have said anything better in turn and that she couldn’t have wished for anything better, either. It was her choice and she wanted me to acknowledge that, and just that. No peer-alteration whatsoever. And I respected that. Haha, but being a sweet enemy that is me, I loved messing with the lines. I contradicted her by saying, or rather convincing her that we’re still “young and pretty” or that “our time has yet to come”… y’know, those give-me-hopes kinda lines. Haha. Otherwise, it’s just my current perspective I’ve been trying to toughen up really. Another reason being is that I’ve been crushing pretty hard lately. No kidding. It seems every guy I meet I put him through the inner monologue audition to find out whether or not I'd date him. The bonus to this kind of omni-crushing slash star search is that I get to meet lots of different kinds of people and learn of a variety of trades, flavors, attitudes and opinions, all the while trying to fall in love or be rejected. I don't think I've found "the one" yet simply because I don't really care about the outcome, and probably because I'm too busy being in love with myself. I guess I'm already taken in that sense. Either way I'll write some poems about the mess so everyone who reads will see what I mean.

My point is, it doesn’t matter being single or singled out. The myth of singularity and the idea of dying alone are pretty much outdated. Simply overrated. The world has changed, so have the people. Choices, that is to say, are always there for us to choose. I, for one, personally enjoy being with everyone as much as I love being on my own. To be around everyone you love is the best thing one could have ever been- it’s a God’s blessing. While being alone should never mean sadness; it’s a time when you can allow your innermost self to emerge after some time- to reflect what you have been taught, and what you have learned so far. To just love yourself better than anyone else you have ever loved. Ahh, I think that is what is meant by Allan on togetherness and aloneness. At least, it’s the closest idea I could ever relate to.

Well, right now I’m just happy for who I am. I’ve liked myself even more these few weeks. I’m able to somewhat control my life in any situation and cope with my relentless embarrassments. I’m slowly enjoying the self-acceptance. Single. Free. Vivacious… vivacious. Hmm, I guess I like the idea already. I’ll let Allan know that. He likes to be in the know and enlightens me with his insights. I’m thinking of sending him more postcards. *chuckle*

So what about being single? I guess I'm no longer single. I am everyone. – Jason Mraz

Loving what you love,
r_L