I guess it’s been a while since I wrote about something I had had in mind long ago. Something that makes me feel like it has to be written, or otherwise forgotten; just like the rest- when everything seems to matter so much than it looks like, really. Kinda like taking a folded newspaper from my pocket, smoothing the creases carefully and read with interest some advertisements for sales. But the print mocked me, knowing that the word they spelt could have no meaning to me, really. I knew I’d soon throw it away without care and watch it twirl slowly in a ditch, to an unknown destination. A crinkled edge stared up at me, as yet unsodden, like a faint protest. But I’d be unaffected, nonetheless.
Ahh, I’m writing a prose now it seems. Maybe my life has been it, these days. In fact, there’s quite a few things that happened to me, lately. Things that seemed unimportant, unrelated, unexplainable, yet mind boggling kind of things. They were united in a conspiracy to keep me from the peace I had promised myself. And being just 20, (yes my love, I’ll be turning 20 soon) there’s no real reason not to be. Though I have yet seen the difference of being awesome-and-20 and awesome-and-wish-I-was-20, then again, no rush. I don’t think I look forward to finding “new beginnings” or “sweet closure” in this time of life. I realize that there’s no such thing after all. Things begin and end all the time, and you know it. Yes, you do. And sometimes, life does pass us by, unnoticed.
Sigh. I loathe this subject. I do. Yet, I can’t help but write a few more- about the coming of age, etc. It makes me feel like an old bag, really. But somehow, I do feel that there’s a need to have it written in the end. Ahh, it’s sort of a depressing subject matter for a posting- but life isn’t all fun and games eh? So anyways, I’ll try to keep my perspective in view and just be myself, mostly (!)
So here I am, thinking about myself and the years I’ve gone through. To be honest, there’s nothing much I could recall, really. Not even the things that I thought I would and I could remember. It’s like having new brains that need programming for the first time. Sigh. I’m such a doofus, really.
But all kidding aside- being young, as I see it so far, is perhaps, something that you won’t understand until it’s gone from you, and then it will come in flash, leaving you a little wiser than before. You won’t be lonely, you won’t be unhappy, possibly there will be a great peace and security. You’ll go on, you see, as others have gone on, just that and no more. You’ll love and live, and the rest of it. But because of stupidity, or carelessness, or a belief in the lasting glamour of things, you’ll throw away what you wanted to throw away when you feel hopeless. I guess you won’t notice any difference. You won’t know what you’re losing. And you won’t care.
Then again, I won’t let that happen. True, life is not that easy and that I’m not always happy. But I do feel much happier now than I have ever been. Though it has not all gone completely- the restlessness, the indecision and also the great heights of exultation, and the strange depths of desolation. Neither do I feel secure now, nor certain of myself, as of yet. But I know there is peace and contentment, lying around somewhere. Waiting to be found by me and the rest who deserve it.
Of the people I knew, and the things I had learnt,
There were only phases, and no more.
r_L
