Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Of being single and independent




Ahh. Inevitable subject. I’ve been wanting to get it posted here some day. Yes, I’ve been meaning to write about it. On V-day, Feb 14, that is. Apart from all things, it was not meant to celebrate another year of my c√©libataire, which included the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months… of my singularity, (though in some ways, yes) Haha. Okay, okay. So what? I’ve been single for 18 years, almost 19 now. Gee, quite a record.

Darn. I feel old. Sooo old.

Remember Min, the girl who called me the other day? She’s the only “enemy” I have in this life and there’s no other. (No, sweet, there’ll be no other.) We talked pretty much about everything. How were things and all and we had a good conversation. Boy, we always had a good one. Once she told me that she’d resolute to “enjoy being single and be happy about it”, in which sounded more like a girl who was recently being dumped by her boyfriend to me. Haha. Well, funny that was because she was not having any at that moment. Indeed, we were not having any at all. Uh, still not getting any, though. Ick.

Anyway, I couldn’t have said anything better in turn and that she couldn’t have wished for anything better, either. It was her choice and she wanted me to acknowledge that, and just that. No peer-alteration whatsoever. And I respected that. Haha, but being a sweet enemy that is me, I loved messing with the lines. I contradicted her by saying, or rather convincing her that we’re still “young and pretty” or that “our time has yet to come”… y’know, those give-me-hopes kinda lines. Haha. Otherwise, it’s just my current perspective I’ve been trying to toughen up really. Another reason being is that I’ve been crushing pretty hard lately. No kidding. It seems every guy I meet I put him through the inner monologue audition to find out whether or not I'd date him. The bonus to this kind of omni-crushing slash star search is that I get to meet lots of different kinds of people and learn of a variety of trades, flavors, attitudes and opinions, all the while trying to fall in love or be rejected. I don't think I've found "the one" yet simply because I don't really care about the outcome, and probably because I'm too busy being in love with myself. I guess I'm already taken in that sense. Either way I'll write some poems about the mess so everyone who reads will see what I mean.

My point is, it doesn’t matter being single or singled out. The myth of singularity and the idea of dying alone are pretty much outdated. Simply overrated. The world has changed, so have the people. Choices, that is to say, are always there for us to choose. I, for one, personally enjoy being with everyone as much as I love being on my own. To be around everyone you love is the best thing one could have ever been- it’s a God’s blessing. While being alone should never mean sadness; it’s a time when you can allow your innermost self to emerge after some time- to reflect what you have been taught, and what you have learned so far. To just love yourself better than anyone else you have ever loved. Ahh, I think that is what is meant by Allan on togetherness and aloneness. At least, it’s the closest idea I could ever relate to.

Well, right now I’m just happy for who I am. I’ve liked myself even more these few weeks. I’m able to somewhat control my life in any situation and cope with my relentless embarrassments. I’m slowly enjoying the self-acceptance. Single. Free. Vivacious… vivacious. Hmm, I guess I like the idea already. I’ll let Allan know that. He likes to be in the know and enlightens me with his insights. I’m thinking of sending him more postcards. *chuckle*

So what about being single? I guess I'm no longer single. I am everyone. – Jason Mraz

Loving what you love,
r_L

Sunday, February 4, 2007

S.M.I.L.E

09:12 am - Mean Min called!!

..and that’s enough to make my day!!

Gross bisous,

p_oux

Saturday, February 3, 2007

WHAT'S YOUR TRUE NATURE?

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:Spiritual Advancement
In a survival situation, you:Act crazy as a diversion
Your hidden talent is:A beautiful mind
Your gift is:Artistic talent
In groups, you:Play an organisational role
Your best quality is:Your empathic nature
Your weakness is:Your coldness



I’m just doing it for fun. I find it amusing that some characters had me saying, “ Really?” and “ Wow”- not as in impressed, but if those things were the characters of “me”, I wonder if they were actually true… naah, they were more like something I had wished for. Haha. So try out yourself. See if they funnily match your own nature. Smile.

moi naturalement,

r_L

Friday, February 2, 2007

Untitled*


I like nights. Apart from the beautiful moonlit (which I can never get enough of), I love nights. Reason being is that I see fewer people at night (and that, fewer see me too). I’ll have ample time for myself. Yes, I love to spoil myself. And I don’t use spoil lightly here. Especially when I have something that I should be worried about the next day-I’ll get spoiled a lot more. I’d be happy to take a long shower, singing most probably nothing to myself. But I enjoyed the moments. I stood under it with my eyes closed, feeling it soak through my hair and pour in streams off my elbows. I held my face right under it, hearing it thundering on my eyes and nose, deafening and icy cold. It was like heavy rain. Just like heavy rain.


And Lord, it felt good.


I think when we have this feeling of peace or avoidance; we tend to dream. Usually, a lot more. I kind of had visions of spending a lot of time sitting around wrapped in a big towel. Of steam rooms, saunas, massage with apricot scrub, seaweed treatment, algae, that kind of thing. I’d eat lots of fruits and vegetables. And I’d drink gallons of water, at least eight glasses of water a day. To flush me out, to cleanse me.


And usually, I’d feel alright about it. Whatever happened before that doesn’t matter. Nor does the future. I just feel good at present.


Only that I don’t.


Sigh. I don’t feel good now. Pas du tout. I don’t know what could probably go wrong but there seems to be a soft formlessness to my life these days. I just feel like a child, again. I hang around the room, doing almost nothing meaningful. The books I was meant to be reading for classes sat unnoticed on the table, belonging to another life. Yes, it’s a dangerous thought, I know. But it seems that way to me now. It couldn’t have felt any other way. I feel belonged to another life.


Ahh, I’m just having a rough week, otherwise. But there’s no way I’m gonna bitch about it. Enough damage, I guess. Period.


I'll be fine,

r_L