Thursday, June 28, 2007

Au revoir~

I’m not going to say anything much in this post. Just some farewell and a few more words before my college reopens. Though I’ve done a lot of fretting about my boredom throughout this vacation, I’m not so crazy about going back to college either. Sigh.

Anyway, like it or not, I’ve already started sorting out and buying stuff… so as the packing, unpacking, and repacking. I never realized how ice cold my brain had been until I dusted off the books and skimmed through whatever data they have inside. Yeah sure, it all came back smoothly and brightly. Heck. You kidding me? It felt like I just read them for the first time. Meaning, zero memory capacity. Pfft.

Now don’t give me this I-told-you-so look. I could sense it coming from your breathy laugh, alright. Apart from my not feeling so great now, I’m still crazy about listing things. Especially when I’m not feeling at my best. Catalogues help, too. Although many see them as paper wastes, others still pick them up and browse through the 6 pages with real interest. Some might even get carried away and too trusting that they easily fall for whatever 2 for 1 or crazy discounts offered; only to leave behind some grocery bags (with freebies, coupons, etc in it) around the mall. Talk about a nice shopping spree. Alright. I’m one of those people.

Well, I had some enjoyable time doing those jigsaw puzzles lately. But the joy didn’t last for long since I couldn’t stand completing them at one sitting. Alas, Mza didn’t want to play with me anymore because it seemed to her that I had a hard time structuring the border and that didn’t really help the whole picture. Okay, so she did most of the puzzle. I rest my case. She was amazing. I sucked, totally. Haha. And that wasn’t the only time though. I actually gave up origami long ago because I find it impossible, really. Things I thought I could be pretty good at turn out to be my worst encounters. It occurs to me that I can do possibly nothing. Even my walking around the house in my flowery pants seems to be a fashion crime these days.

How can what feels so right be wrong?

Nonetheless, it was what I hoped to achieve on my vacation. I was looking for a challenge; which I realized that entertaining boredom itself was far more worth a challenge. I was looking to reunite with dear friends; just to know how everyone else was doing. I was looking for a place to get a star tan; that is the nights are so bright here sometimes you can see a night rainbow. It’s right here, at home. I was just looking for some more of me and to remove some unwanted bits as well. Not to be separate, but to dissolve some worries and get a lot closer to the oneness that one needs to have Love. I came to savour my peppermint ice cream alone, merrily. And learn that Life is but a dream.

We live in interesting times.
I am 7049 days old as of today.
God, I feel awesome.

See you soon freaks,

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Not thinking. thinking too much.

12:06 am

807. My soon-to-be room number, located on the 8th floor, just below the top floor of the block. I bet the view is splendid. Great. I’m happy. It’s amazing. Blah, blah, blah. What a good start for the day and a sweet wrap up for my vacation. Damn it. A few minutes ago I had this nice plan going on about my fresh start as a 2nd year when my curiosity made me look up for my new room number. I was stoked as much as nervous. So I browsed through the site and searched through my personal account. There it was, appeared right under the Mahallah Information bar saying I am to be placed in room 807. I was agape. Are you kidding me? Never have I felt funny than I did at that moment. My previous room is 306 and it already felt like a lot of stairs. And 807? I felt victimized.

You must be wondering, why not take the lift. Sure, I can always use it. My only concern is that there are only 2 of them, utilized by almost everyone living in the block, consisting of wings A, B and D and some heavy garbage carts that need going up and down every morning. I know they’re pending for great repair. Sigh. Poor device. Lucky to those in wing C, granted that they have a lift of “their own”. So the competition is less stiff. Don’t ask me how funny that is or what kind of building I live in because I could care less now that I’m in wing A, so zip it.

I remember the first time I had to take a lift- I was amused. It seemed like the lift was too old to ever give anything or anyone a lift. Funny as this may sound, but there is a certain spot where you should be standing on and there shouldn’t be more than 7 persons (with average size) in it. Otherwise, the lift door fails to close and you will remain where you are, neither going up nor down. The buzzing sound will never cease until someone who’s kind enough to leave. Now, this is the fun part. There would be some kind of staring competition going on before that among the lifters (those in the lift) until “the one” left.

So what makes you “the one”? Simple. You either get in late or when it’s almost full. I was both. One day I was running late for my class at 8 so I took my chance to take the lift. So when the door opened, I saw more than 7 people in it, giving me this “don’t-you-dare” kind of look. It should have occurred to me that I wasn’t the only one running late, but I couldn’t be bothered. I stepped in as lightly as I could, playing feather fairy. I was pretty sure my empty stomach helped. I smiled at my sweetest as the door closed. I knew I wasn’t “the one”.

…until it reopened 3 seconds later. And started screaming.

“Raje, ko berat la”

Someone told me from behind. Thank you, Atty. I moved and tried to find the “right spot”. Unfortunately, there wasn’t any. All taken. Heck.

“Raje, ko berat la” there she said again, half staring, half laughing.

I couldn’t say anything but smiled for a second. Half sorry, half embarrassed. Ready to leave. I was the one. Indeed.

Situation is never conducive when you want it to be.

Happy 30th Birthday Jason Mraz :-)


Sunday, June 17, 2007

here's to daddy



Thursday, June 14, 2007


Current impression: My Interpretation by Mika

I was waiting for my twin outside a mini grocery store when I noticed the barber’s next to it. It occurred to me that I never went to any barber’s before, knowing that it is intended for male customers only. I wonder why I never wanted to go in there when I was a kid. Or maybe even if I did, my dad usually went there on his own. Well, not that I wanted to get a haircut, of course, but just to see how it was like inside. But then, it would be too weird to do it now. So I just looked from the outside, playing curious as I watched a little boy through a semi-transparent shop window, adjusting to his seat position as he was trying to look as comfortable as he seemed. Apparently the boy looked like many other little boys who would be there for one reason- getting short back and sides. I knew the moment he stepped into the shop, he was acting nonchalant; as though expecting it would happen anyway. He seemed rather unresponsive than excited about getting his haircut done, which he knew it wasn’t going to give him an entirely new look but was believed to feel that way, yet still feeling nervous all the same. I was fulfilled.

It was amazing to see all sorts of expressions on people and trying to figure out what they actually meant. I just found out that there is a basic set of facial expressions that is understood by around much of the world, a minilanguage in which thousands of words are swapped for the six basic expressions of happiness, sadness, fear, surprise, disgust, and anger. Just for the record, I occasionally feel somewhat unaffected. It is neither sad nor happy emotion. Nor anything between the extremes. It’s more like a whatever kind of feeling, y’know. Sheesh. Whatever.

A few days ago, I had this normal conversation with a friend that left me feeling not so normal afterwards. We talked about what’s going on with our lives and what could have happened otherwise. It seemed like I never really knew that one person I thought I did all too well. I was amused to learn some unusual facts that were coming from him or her. Every normal person, in fact, is only normal on the average. His ego approximates to that of the psychotic in some part or other and to a greater extent. It didn’t take long for me to believe that Sigmund Freud couldn’t be anymore right. I thought I knew exactly how to react to certain feelings; I thought I was ready. But when a friend really confronted me about his or her problems, I realized I was far from ready. I didn’t remember all the right words to say or just do anything right at all. It was like despair when I was at work and guilt when I wasn’t. Or maybe, I just can’t handle sadness anymore. So seeing the pain and disappointment so usually leaves me nothing but feeling more unaffected each day. Hmm.

Nonetheless, here’s to today, which is Thursday. Today is blog entry #75. Today is to swing back and forth in the playground. Today is a perfect day to be grateful for what you have and have experienced. Today is for nothing else but to stuff anything edible into your mouth and feel alright about it. Today is a great day to expose a crush you have on someone with hot sauce on the breath.

Tomorrow will be a great day to feel awkward and to figure out how to go back to being just friends.


the much awaited post

2:18am. Dark in the house. Dark in the room but the computer light shows that nothing stands between me and it so I stride gracefully through the blank space. I throw on my headphones as the system warms up. The San Diegan Singer, Jason Mraz is on stand-by to play. But I'm not pushing start yet. I'm enjoying the quiet the headphones make being in the ear but not on. I love Jason Mraz though. I'm tempted. But I know I'll become distracted and not want to write. I'll likely dive into Zuma or anything else and get nothing accomplished.

It seems like a month since I made a progress on an obvious one-liner that says, “ NIL post for May!”. And just that. *shame* There was no real reason for my not posting a new thread or rather, making any effort to write just about anything. In fact, I did absolutely nothing during the first 2 months. I was too busy figuring out some real things to do all the while trying to put my intuition back into practice. I guess there’s no point in writing anything out when my judgment is more or less worthless. Sigh.

By the by, something did happen during those idyllic episodes of my life alright. My days weren’t that all static or boring as I might have normally exaggerated. Sure, they all were equally interesting and all. Well, maybe not that all amazing that I could write a book about it, duh− you get my drift. The fact that I could still talk about it but not want to is very disturbing. I just wasn’t in the right mind. Still not.

It’s been half an hour since my fingers are typing these words out. So, I’ll just let them run over the keyboards for a few minutes more. I don’t think these extended whatever moments help me figure out what’s going on or that I’m able to write anything wonderful for that matter. In fact, I’m just writing more non-purposive craps and just keep going. To know what it feels like…ahh, this mere moment of nothingness.

All is quiet. Headphones on. Still nothing playing in them.

And for all that we can hear at this hour and for all that we can see in the darkness, we are thankful. For life really only exists at this moment- when nothing really feels as good as to be at this very minute; to just smile for no real reason.

Everyday is Sunday when you’re unemployed.