Saturday, December 22, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
These are some recorded in full, not by me though, that I got from YouTube!. LOL. But I was just as far and as close as I could ever be, alright. Just to get the up close, just to get the up close.
James Morrison- You Give Me Something
James Morrison- The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore
James Morrison- Wonderful World
James Morrison- Valerie
James Morrison- NEW SONG*
Saturday, December 1, 2007
The acoustic night was awesome.
Okay, so something wonderful did happen in the last two weeks. I was wrong. Hee.
Yes, I was there. Seeing this Jamie-who performing acoustic among the crowd. At first, I had a hard time believing that it was going to happen. Live. In person, as in flesh. But there he was, Mr Morrison, appeared in his pale pink shirt, with that fine stubble outlining his face... looking all rugged and sweet… saying those selamat petang and apa khabar, in that sultry voice of his. Well, he sounded so English, yet so damn lovely. Alright, I’m describing a Fabio right now. Haha. But he was. No kidding.
So, he’d been saying terima kasi(h), thanking us over and over each time he finished a song. I bet he’d been practicing real hard to keep that in mind and get it right. Aww, poor guy. He sure knew how to move us ladies. Lol. Everyone was singing along most of the time and laughed whenever he said something funny, or rather tried to be funny. Well yea, he wasn’t that funny-funny kind of guy, though. He seemed too cute for that. You know, more like sweet-funny. And that was just about enough to win ALL the ladies over. Haha. Funny.
Well anyways, there would be no concert without screaming ladies. To be honest, really, that boy… ahem, yes, this boy, could actually cause major breakups. Haha. Pretty smooth talker for a shy guy. No. Let me reword that. A natural flirt. Yes. LOL. I’d been calling out for him a few times yeh. Like,
“ Hey curly!”
“ Lovin’ your hair!”
Aih. This is weak. This is not what I paid to say.
“I LOVE YOU, J!”
There I said it, amidst noise and silence.
Boy, was I fulfilled.
I lost counts just how many times I said those “I love yous” afterwards. It all sort of happened… naturally. Maybe I was in love. Sigh. It can’t be helped when you have a celebrity crush, alright. I can’t be helped, really.
So there. It was a great experience altogether. We were enjoying every minute and loving it. The crowd was fun and alive. A nice feeling, really. To be among the music lovers; and having your favourite singer, who was only about 2 metres(!) away from you- singing to YOU and for YOU only. Picture that. Hmm. But in the end, we were all there for one thing- to share the moment and have a good time, like it was the only thing that mattered most in life. Indeed.
“I’m not a talker. I’m a singer. More of a doer”, he deadpanned.
HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY AYONG!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I feel so old-fashioned. Lame, in a fashionable sort of way. Not bored. Just old-fashioned. I don’t know what gives nor do I care if it gives what it gives. I see no purpose in reasoning. Another time, it feels like I just want to go out in the sun and do whatever I like. No, not like a mad woman or anything. Nothing of the sort. It’s just that I need something interesting in life to happen but there’s none. Maybe next time I run into a neighbour, I should give him/her a high five and ask, how are you NOT doing? You know, just to see the reaction, otherwise. I know I might be excommunicated and all, but hey, I can live with that. Haha. I’m such a doofus.
Okay, so back to the blog, thanks everyone for your patience. I feel there’s a reason why I seldom blog these days. No, not excuses. Just one ultimate reason, god knows what. Maybe blogging has become more and more personal each time I try to write and post a few. Although I think it has been about that all along, but I don’t know. My life experiences told me that some things are better left unsaid, or written, in this sense…that those things are to be understood by me, only. I know it sounds selfish, and rather foolish for those who wonder why not? After all life is about sharing, and this is the purpose of blogging, I realize. But I can’t justify, really. As much as I love telling every bit of what’s going on and whatnot, I somehow feel the need to save some parts of the stories. The only thing that’s left for my own point of view. My property.
Well, I don’t ask to be understood because I don’t think I understand myself, either. Though it is a nice feeling to have someone understands just what you’re going on about. Yes, it is a nice feeling. No doubt. Until that happens, I think I’ll be more content than I am now. But I will place no hope in it. Even if there is a chance, who knows what I will do with it. Blow it? Push it away? Or not noticing it at all? I know I will be disappointed, either way. Gosh, I’m just it. Fickle, yet somewhat fixed.
Ahh, don’t you think this is more like “the other parts”, declassified?
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Mood swing: I'll Do Anything by Jason Mraz
Not that you care, but it’s been a week since my new semester began. My final semester here in CENFOS (renamed after the old MCIIUM). I mean finally, the graduating semester. Nothing extraordinary happened on my first day though, just new/old books and friends. Apart from that, my parents are now in Mecca, performing Hajj for a month and a half. It’s been 5 days since. 5 days. Wow, that’s almost a week eh. So maybe I thought another 40 days would be alright. Thoughts turned to prayer. I handed them a digital camera so that they would take some pictures of those beautiful skies. That would be very nice. I hinted dad to buy me Polaroid in return. I knew I should be aware of his real purpose, not mine, yet I took my chances… hoping it was alright. Personally, Polaroid is the best picture taking device one can possess to get the best ever real life pictures. They’re instant, fresh and so natural. You don’t have to have special skills to be taking good pictures with it; you just take it. To be able to take really “good” pictures as in non-shaking, high quality stuff is a different story, though. But the whole point of it is to be there yourself and just capture those beautiful scenes and people. And Polaroid is just a plus. Aww-some.
Speaking of which, I’ve been visiting this old crush of mine- Mraz’s page. Yes, that pathetic lovesick, psychedelic geek. Unfortunately I’m still in love with him to a point that seems… pointless. You see, who wouldn’t fall for a guy who “could be lugubrious” with you? Boy, he’s such a heartbreaker. Lol.
But here’s a question, courtesy of Mraz’s friend.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Anyway, like it or not, I’ve already started sorting out and buying stuff… so as the packing, unpacking, and repacking. I never realized how ice cold my brain had been until I dusted off the books and skimmed through whatever data they have inside. Yeah sure, it all came back smoothly and brightly. Heck. You kidding me? It felt like I just read them for the first time. Meaning, zero memory capacity. Pfft.
Now don’t give me this I-told-you-so look. I could sense it coming from your breathy laugh, alright. Apart from my not feeling so great now, I’m still crazy about listing things. Especially when I’m not feeling at my best. Catalogues help, too. Although many see them as paper wastes, others still pick them up and browse through the 6 pages with real interest. Some might even get carried away and too trusting that they easily fall for whatever 2 for 1 or crazy discounts offered; only to leave behind some grocery bags (with freebies, coupons, etc in it) around the mall. Talk about a nice shopping spree. Alright. I’m one of those people.
Well, I had some enjoyable time doing those jigsaw puzzles lately. But the joy didn’t last for long since I couldn’t stand completing them at one sitting. Alas, Mza didn’t want to play with me anymore because it seemed to her that I had a hard time structuring the border and that didn’t really help the whole picture. Okay, so she did most of the puzzle. I rest my case. She was amazing. I sucked, totally. Haha. And that wasn’t the only time though. I actually gave up origami long ago because I find it impossible, really. Things I thought I could be pretty good at turn out to be my worst encounters. It occurs to me that I can do possibly nothing. Even my walking around the house in my flowery pants seems to be a fashion crime these days.
How can what feels so right be wrong?
Nonetheless, it was what I hoped to achieve on my vacation. I was looking for a challenge; which I realized that entertaining boredom itself was far more worth a challenge. I was looking to reunite with dear friends; just to know how everyone else was doing. I was looking for a place to get a star tan; that is the nights are so bright here sometimes you can see a night rainbow. It’s right here, at home. I was just looking for some more of me and to remove some unwanted bits as well. Not to be separate, but to dissolve some worries and get a lot closer to the oneness that one needs to have Love. I came to savour my peppermint ice cream alone, merrily. And learn that Life is but a dream.
We live in interesting times.
I am 7049 days old as of today.
God, I feel awesome.
See you soon freaks,
Saturday, June 23, 2007
807. My soon-to-be room number, located on the 8th floor, just below the top floor of the block. I bet the view is splendid. Great. I’m happy. It’s amazing. Blah, blah, blah. What a good start for the day and a sweet wrap up for my vacation. Damn it. A few minutes ago I had this nice plan going on about my fresh start as a 2nd year when my curiosity made me look up for my new room number. I was stoked as much as nervous. So I browsed through the site and searched through my personal account. There it was, appeared right under the Mahallah Information bar saying I am to be placed in room 807. I was agape. Are you kidding me? Never have I felt funny than I did at that moment. My previous room is 306 and it already felt like a lot of stairs. And 807? I felt victimized.
You must be wondering, why not take the lift. Sure, I can always use it. My only concern is that there are only 2 of them, utilized by almost everyone living in the block, consisting of wings A, B and D and some heavy garbage carts that need going up and down every morning. I know they’re pending for great repair. Sigh. Poor device. Lucky to those in wing C, granted that they have a lift of “their own”. So the competition is less stiff. Don’t ask me how funny that is or what kind of building I live in because I could care less now that I’m in wing A, so zip it.
I remember the first time I had to take a lift- I was amused. It seemed like the lift was too old to ever give anything or anyone a lift. Funny as this may sound, but there is a certain spot where you should be standing on and there shouldn’t be more than 7 persons (with average size) in it. Otherwise, the lift door fails to close and you will remain where you are, neither going up nor down. The buzzing sound will never cease until someone who’s kind enough to leave. Now, this is the fun part. There would be some kind of staring competition going on before that among the lifters (those in the lift) until “the one” left.
So what makes you “the one”? Simple. You either get in late or when it’s almost full. I was both. One day I was running late for my class at 8 so I took my chance to take the lift. So when the door opened, I saw more than 7 people in it, giving me this “don’t-you-dare” kind of look. It should have occurred to me that I wasn’t the only one running late, but I couldn’t be bothered. I stepped in as lightly as I could, playing feather fairy. I was pretty sure my empty stomach helped. I smiled at my sweetest as the door closed. I knew I wasn’t “the one”.
…until it reopened 3 seconds later. And started screaming.
“Raje, ko berat la”
Someone told me from behind. Thank you, Atty. I moved and tried to find the “right spot”. Unfortunately, there wasn’t any. All taken. Heck.
“Raje, ko berat la” there she said again, half staring, half laughing.
I couldn’t say anything but smiled for a second. Half sorry, half embarrassed. Ready to leave. I was the one. Indeed.
Situation is never conducive when you want it to be.
Happy 30th Birthday Jason Mraz :-)
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
I was waiting for my twin outside a mini grocery store when I noticed the barber’s next to it. It occurred to me that I never went to any barber’s before, knowing that it is intended for male customers only. I wonder why I never wanted to go in there when I was a kid. Or maybe even if I did, my dad usually went there on his own. Well, not that I wanted to get a haircut, of course, but just to see how it was like inside. But then, it would be too weird to do it now. So I just looked from the outside, playing curious as I watched a little boy through a semi-transparent shop window, adjusting to his seat position as he was trying to look as comfortable as he seemed. Apparently the boy looked like many other little boys who would be there for one reason- getting short back and sides. I knew the moment he stepped into the shop, he was acting nonchalant; as though expecting it would happen anyway. He seemed rather unresponsive than excited about getting his haircut done, which he knew it wasn’t going to give him an entirely new look but was believed to feel that way, yet still feeling nervous all the same. I was fulfilled.
It was amazing to see all sorts of expressions on people and trying to figure out what they actually meant. I just found out that there is a basic set of facial expressions that is understood by around much of the world, a minilanguage in which thousands of words are swapped for the six basic expressions of happiness, sadness, fear, surprise, disgust, and anger. Just for the record, I occasionally feel somewhat unaffected. It is neither sad nor happy emotion. Nor anything between the extremes. It’s more like a whatever kind of feeling, y’know. Sheesh. Whatever.
A few days ago, I had this normal conversation with a friend that left me feeling not so normal afterwards. We talked about what’s going on with our lives and what could have happened otherwise. It seemed like I never really knew that one person I thought I did all too well. I was amused to learn some unusual facts that were coming from him or her. Every normal person, in fact, is only normal on the average. His ego approximates to that of the psychotic in some part or other and to a greater extent. It didn’t take long for me to believe that Sigmund Freud couldn’t be anymore right. I thought I knew exactly how to react to certain feelings; I thought I was ready. But when a friend really confronted me about his or her problems, I realized I was far from ready. I didn’t remember all the right words to say or just do anything right at all. It was like despair when I was at work and guilt when I wasn’t. Or maybe, I just can’t handle sadness anymore. So seeing the pain and disappointment so usually leaves me nothing but feeling more unaffected each day. Hmm.
Nonetheless, here’s to today, which is Thursday. Today is blog entry #75. Today is to swing back and forth in the playground. Today is a perfect day to be grateful for what you have and have experienced. Today is for nothing else but to stuff anything edible into your mouth and feel alright about it. Today is a great day to expose a crush you have on someone with hot sauce on the breath.
Tomorrow will be a great day to feel awkward and to figure out how to go back to being just friends.
2:18am. Dark in the house. Dark in the room but the computer light shows that nothing stands between me and it so I stride gracefully through the blank space. I throw on my headphones as the system warms up. The San Diegan Singer, Jason Mraz is on stand-by to play. But I'm not pushing start yet. I'm enjoying the quiet the headphones make being in the ear but not on. I love Jason Mraz though. I'm tempted. But I know I'll become distracted and not want to write. I'll likely dive into Zuma or anything else and get nothing accomplished.
It seems like a month since I made a progress on an obvious one-liner that says, “ NIL post for May!”. And just that. *shame* There was no real reason for my not posting a new thread or rather, making any effort to write just about anything. In fact, I did absolutely nothing during the first 2 months. I was too busy figuring out some real things to do all the while trying to put my intuition back into practice. I guess there’s no point in writing anything out when my judgment is more or less worthless. Sigh.
By the by, something did happen during those idyllic episodes of my life alright. My days weren’t that all static or boring as I might have normally exaggerated. Sure, they all were equally interesting and all. Well, maybe not that all amazing that I could write a book about it, duh− you get my drift. The fact that I could still talk about it but not want to is very disturbing. I just wasn’t in the right mind. Still not.
It’s been half an hour since my fingers are typing these words out. So, I’ll just let them run over the keyboards for a few minutes more. I don’t think these extended whatever moments help me figure out what’s going on or that I’m able to write anything wonderful for that matter. In fact, I’m just writing more non-purposive craps and just keep going. To know what it feels like…ahh, this mere moment of nothingness.
All is quiet. Headphones on. Still nothing playing in them.
And for all that we can hear at this hour and for all that we can see in the darkness, we are thankful. For life really only exists at this moment- when nothing really feels as good as to be at this very minute; to just smile for no real reason.
Everyday is Sunday when you’re unemployed.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
1. I have a thing for words. It seems, whatever I do, I’ll try to describe the moment or feelings in my head. And it’s very frustrating if I can’t get it right. Such a permanent disease.
2. I love acronyms. I don’t know how or why. But it occurs to me that when I like things or people, I’ll give them acronyms. Say, JM as in Jason Mraz… CP as in yes, Coldplay. It kind of drives my sisters crazy because I start to give acronyms after their favourite artists, too. Like, CBR as in Corinne Bailey Rae and DR as in Damien Rice. Let’s see, the reason why I do this maybe because I feel more familiar with such calling and that it sounds easier… well, doesn’t it? Haha, I don’t know. The rest doesn’t seem to agree. They just don't get it, otherwise.
3. I crave for food while other girls prefer shopping for clothes. Take my sisters for example. Yup, they all love new dresses and stuff while I could be fairly unaffected. Not to question my sexual orientation or what, but I don’t know why I’m not so crazy about getting a new wardrobe. Hmm, maybe not, as of yet. In the meantime, I swear I would give up a brand new shirt to something called food! No kidding ;-)
I like kids. Yes, they can be pretty handful sometimes. But I love them anyway. I remember being a kid myself. I remember all the feelings and the moments. I always have a good laugh upon recalling the childhood with my family and friends. Those moments are meaninglessly funny and important to me all the same.
So when I look at the kids these days, I could somewhat see the differences and the similarities. But most of them are pretty much the same. Just a different breed year by year, a much cleverer one. And of course, luckier. The demands are higher and much more expensive. But that’s what the kids all do. We used to demand “the impossibles” and whine until we get what we wanted. What differs is the things that they have now and the things that we had back then. As much as we envy the comfort that they are living in now, but in truth, we were kids once. We felt and did the same thing.
Though I’m particular about teaching some lessons on morality, I don’t like seeing all the pain and disappointment that some pass on to some innocent little kid who didn’t ask for it and who doesn’t deserve it. Being a kid myself once, I remember all those feelings; the disappointment we felt when promises were broken and the sad feeling when we failed at something. Those bitter moments now seem like a beautiful letdown to me. The only time I began to understand every other feelings, which is a wonderful thing.
What I also realized is that as my year goes, nothing is extraordinary to a child. Maybe when you are a kid, life is still full of wonder that there can be no real surprises. Or perhaps, children just adapt faster than adults. Thanks to current technologies and modern pressure, these newborn babies are ready to develop a smarter lifestyle than we think. I can’t imagine what the world looks like to them, the future babies. Could they be living on their own by the age 7 or 8? Haha.
One thing for sure, though. When I was a kid, I thought that my parents had some secret knowledge about how to keep me in line and bring me up alright. I thought that there was some kind of a great master plan to make me eat vegetables and go to my room when I was told. But I was wrong. I knew now as I watched some parents. I began to slowly understand that they were doing what every parent in the world does. Just winging it.
When it’s your own flesh and blood, you don’t have to think about doing the right thing. You just do it.
Still a kid,
Sunday, April 22, 2007
First, comes the Square One:
Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And if you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult it fired you
You wonder if your chance'll ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one
Then, there’s White Shadow to haunt me:
Maybe you'll get what you wanted
Maybe you'll stumble upon it
Everything you ever wanted in a permanent state
Maybe you'll know when you've seen it
Maybe if you say it you'll mean it
Maybe you'll find you're completed
In a permanent state, a permanent state
… and more Talk:
Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they’re talking it to me
Finally, the not-so-hidden track of ‘Til Kingdom Come:
Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I've waited all these years
For you I'd wait 'Til Kingdom Come
Until my day my day is done
and say you'll come and set me free
just say you'll wait you'll wait for me
…I might as well think I’m drunk. Ick. Definitely.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
So, as I was saying, I could not have wished for something better than having a well-trimmed, manageable hair. My sister suggests that I should go for some kind of a hair treatment someday, when I really have a great need for it. Just anytime but now. It seems like I might not need it now, but the desire to go for it is eating me up bit by bit every time I see myself in the mirror. My hair is freaking out, alright. And that kinda freaks me out too. Haha.
Say, if I were to have that dream hair of mine, how would it look like? (Hmm, I once thought of having a straight hair, but then, I might look boring with the plain mode.) So, maybe, here’s what I’ll do- I think when my hair is long enough, I would like to keep the curls and maintain the length. And of course, it has to be manageable. Duhh. Would I like to give it some colour? Sure, let’s give it some attitude…I think, rainbow looks cool. Haha. Just kidding. I’m still happy with the current black hair (which turns somewhat brownish when exposed to sunlight). I just like to keep it natural, otherwise.
Oh, have I thought of going bald? Yeah, a few times…but y’know, that only happens when you really wish you didn’t have any. Haha. Maybe, I would go for it if I weren’t so levelheaded. Uh, I’m not talking about Britney if that’s what you’re thinking. She’s going through a lot now, just a real tough time for her. So, we might as well just leave her alone at the moment, ay. I don’t want my happy hair story turn sad now. Lol.
All in all, there I’ve said it. Pretty much about my hair, that is- what’s hot and what’s not. But, that is not to say that I hate my hair altogether. It’s just something I would like to talk about, which frustrates me sometimes. I bet we all have something to say about ourselves that we are not so crazy about, huh? Maybe a lot more. Who knows, we can exchange tips- gimme the "super shampoo" and I’ll tell you how to bake pies. Haha, gosh, I’m rambling now. I know, I know. I’m just trying to be more positive towards my hair alright. I mean, I might love my hair one day.
I might love my hair one day. So help me God.
Ahh, it’s such a relief to pen the word otherwise- love, love, love…
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
- a smog.
You’re a coincidence
a rustling wind
a smorgasbord of smells
an infectious disease
you’re all those-
You smell a lot-
like my sweet
musky like musk
minty like peppermint
as I breathe you in
through my millions
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Call me Miss Full-of-Excuses, but I’m not trying to make any right now. Better said, I’m running out of one. Smile.
So, about this whole thing called writing or blogging or whatever names you called for such thing that involves words through whatever means for this kind of journalism- it is hard work. Especially when you’re trying to write about something you really want to say. It is hard work.
But then again, even when you think you’ve written it down, it still doesn’t sound quite like it. Sometimes, not at all. It seems like you don’t know what exactly you want to write about, or rather think. No matter how hard your brain tries to recall that very moment- it just slips away. All of sudden. Like quick breeze; quietly carrying away whatever it is that is in your head and… dis..app..ear. Forever.
Well, sometimes if you’re lucky enough, those peculiar thoughts might swim around your head again, playing this “catch-me-if-you-can” sort of a game. I’m not sure if you have had encountered such thing, but I obviously do. It happens every now and then. I doubt if there’s any significant meaning in it, which I could care less to find out about myself, but it’s very frustrating when you really have something wonderful that comes through your mind and it goes away too soon before you realize you’re going to lose it!
Sigh. Could I have gone senile?
Say, when you think you’ve finally got it written, and you’re pretty sure it is it, you doubt whether you actually want it written out and be celebrated. By everyone. Or just by yourself. As much as you want the whole world to know such important thing, called “It”, you just don’t feel like telling anyone at some point. Such uncertainty.
So having said that, I think writing, that goes along with heart and mind, is really hard work. Enough said.
(…there, there, another beautiful excuse otherwise! )
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Ahh, forgetting and remembering become easy these days. So wonderfully easy. You know, as easy as being frustrated and feeling okay about it. it’s awfully strange, isn’t it?
Otherwise, I just realize how everything is connected to everything else. And that everything else ultimately brings me to God- Allah, the Almighty.
…I think I’m gonna have another cuppa. Life’s too sweet to sip just once.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
So, let’s see. Personally, I thought the whole song arrangement was nice. The music was consistent- not too much sound, yet not too mellow. It was a laudable piece of mixture. I was able to find the quietness in the midst of noise; through the lyrics. D’oh, such profound lines they composed. Brilliant work.
Alright. Perhaps, I must have had overanalyzed things. Sigh. I was just trying to see what is left for me after several years of change then. Or what kind of a person I’ve become. Whether I like the things I’ve gone through, or hate them. Simple as that. So, having listened to Coldplay is pretty much about listening to the old me. Sort of doing this self-evaluation kind of thing. Y’know, liking the newness of the change, or hating it. Otherwise, I’m just amazed at how these people can come up with such beautiful music? The sound, pretty much resembles everything that supports the tune and the lyrics, ultimately means life to the song. Uh, I’m talking to those who are able to see music as it is by the way. Hee.
My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes up
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it’s so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own
And I'm not gonna take it back
Well I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
You're the target that I'm aiming at
And I get that message home
My song is love
My song is love, unknown
And I'm on fire for you, clearly
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be on your own
And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
You're the target that I'm aiming at
But I'm nothing on my own
Got to get that message home
And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Not gonna leave it until its much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home
My song is love, is love unknown
And I've got to get that message home
Sigh. I just love Coldplay.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
are dimly bright
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
It seems that my mind is at its quietest today. Usually, when I see things, I think. When I see sky; I’d smile and think. When I see something amazing- I’d observe and reflect. Okay, maybe not when I see someone attractive and all- I don’t think I really think. Haha. But hey, that’s the only exception. Otherwise, I’m just enjoying the rare beauty while it’s around. Sweet.
By the way, I’ve been listening to James Morrison. D’oh, that boy is a genius! Delightful blend of brilliant music and catchy lines- certainly would solidify and liquefy your soul at the same time. I can’t lie about his sultry voice… it seems that it’s been rehearsing in my head like a tape. I don’t know why, it is somewhat fixed in my brain, though- unspoiled. Ahh, I’m pretty sure you’re thinking I’m over Jason Mraz now. Well, no. That boy is simply exceptional. James Morrison and Jason Mraz and John Mayer. What do these boys have in common? Hmm..gosh, I think I have a thing for those with the same initial- JM! Bingo. Haha. Maybe I should have the same initial too- J… M…but what would it mean? What if MJ, as in Mary Jane? It is JM if spelled backwards. Hmm.
Hi, my name is Mary Jane. Just call me MJ*
Haha, ridiculous it seems- about changing my nick and all. But I like it anyway. Why not? MJ sounds like fun, just like the girl in those spidey movies. Otherwise, I’m just trying to figure out what am I doing and why do I do the way I do. So, maybe, typing these words out might help with the explaining. The reason why am I doing this- something so unimportant or equally mindless.
… that’s because I can’t think, silly*
Sigh. I need a break. No, I already have one. Indeed, way too much that I can’t think now. Maybe I need some food. Uh, I’m not pretty sure how that helps me get my brain back. Why, I eat all the time(!) Gee, I need someone to stop me from eating so much (as I think I told you before). But hey, that’s not the case now, ay.
... you really need a life, sweet*
Sigh. What the hell you think I’ve been doing?? *chuckle*
Getting one [obviously],
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Ahh. Inevitable subject. I’ve been wanting to get it posted here some day. Yes, I’ve been meaning to write about it. On V-day, Feb 14, that is. Apart from all things, it was not meant to celebrate another year of my célibataire, which included the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months… of my singularity, (though in some ways, yes) Haha. Okay, okay. So what? I’ve been single for 18 years, almost 19 now. Gee, quite a record.
Darn. I feel old. Sooo old.
Remember Min, the girl who called me the other day? She’s the only “enemy” I have in this life and there’s no other. (No, sweet, there’ll be no other.) We talked pretty much about everything. How were things and all and we had a good conversation. Boy, we always had a good one. Once she told me that she’d resolute to “enjoy being single and be happy about it”, in which sounded more like a girl who was recently being dumped by her boyfriend to me. Haha. Well, funny that was because she was not having any at that moment. Indeed, we were not having any at all. Uh, still not getting any, though. Ick.
Anyway, I couldn’t have said anything better in turn and that she couldn’t have wished for anything better, either. It was her choice and she wanted me to acknowledge that, and just that. No peer-alteration whatsoever. And I respected that. Haha, but being a sweet enemy that is me, I loved messing with the lines. I contradicted her by saying, or rather convincing her that we’re still “young and pretty” or that “our time has yet to come”… y’know, those give-me-hopes kinda lines. Haha. Otherwise, it’s just my current perspective I’ve been trying to toughen up really. Another reason being is that I’ve been crushing pretty hard lately. No kidding. It seems every guy I meet I put him through the inner monologue audition to find out whether or not I'd date him. The bonus to this kind of omni-crushing slash star search is that I get to meet lots of different kinds of people and learn of a variety of trades, flavors, attitudes and opinions, all the while trying to fall in love or be rejected. I don't think I've found "the one" yet simply because I don't really care about the outcome, and probably because I'm too busy being in love with myself. I guess I'm already taken in that sense. Either way I'll write some poems about the mess so everyone who reads will see what I mean.
My point is, it doesn’t matter being single or singled out. The myth of singularity and the idea of dying alone are pretty much outdated. Simply overrated. The world has changed, so have the people. Choices, that is to say, are always there for us to choose. I, for one, personally enjoy being with everyone as much as I love being on my own. To be around everyone you love is the best thing one could have ever been- it’s a God’s blessing. While being alone should never mean sadness; it’s a time when you can allow your innermost self to emerge after some time- to reflect what you have been taught, and what you have learned so far. To just love yourself better than anyone else you have ever loved. Ahh, I think that is what is meant by Allan on togetherness and aloneness. At least, it’s the closest idea I could ever relate to.
Well, right now I’m just happy for who I am. I’ve liked myself even more these few weeks. I’m able to somewhat control my life in any situation and cope with my relentless embarrassments. I’m slowly enjoying the self-acceptance. Single. Free. Vivacious… vivacious. Hmm, I guess I like the idea already. I’ll let Allan know that. He likes to be in the know and enlightens me with his insights. I’m thinking of sending him more postcards. *chuckle*
So what about being single? I guess I'm no longer single. I am everyone. – Jason Mraz
Loving what you love,
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Saturday, February 3, 2007
I’m just doing it for fun. I find it amusing that some characters had me saying, “ Really?” and “ Wow”- not as in impressed, but if those things were the characters of “me”, I wonder if they were actually true… naah, they were more like something I had wished for. Haha. So try out yourself. See if they funnily match your own nature. Smile.
Friday, February 2, 2007
I like nights. Apart from the beautiful moonlit (which I can never get enough of), I love nights. Reason being is that I see fewer people at night (and that, fewer see me too). I’ll have ample time for myself. Yes, I love to spoil myself. And I don’t use spoil lightly here. Especially when I have something that I should be worried about the next day-I’ll get spoiled a lot more. I’d be happy to take a long shower, singing most probably nothing to myself. But I enjoyed the moments. I stood under it with my eyes closed, feeling it soak through my hair and pour in streams off my elbows. I held my face right under it, hearing it thundering on my eyes and nose, deafening and icy cold. It was like heavy rain. Just like heavy rain.
And Lord, it felt good.
I think when we have this feeling of peace or avoidance; we tend to dream. Usually, a lot more. I kind of had visions of spending a lot of time sitting around wrapped in a big towel. Of steam rooms, saunas, massage with apricot scrub, seaweed treatment, algae, that kind of thing. I’d eat lots of fruits and vegetables. And I’d drink gallons of water, at least eight glasses of water a day. To flush me out, to cleanse me.
And usually, I’d feel alright about it. Whatever happened before that doesn’t matter. Nor does the future. I just feel good at present.
Only that I don’t.
Sigh. I don’t feel good now. Pas du tout. I don’t know what could probably go wrong but there seems to be a soft formlessness to my life these days. I just feel like a child, again. I hang around the room, doing almost nothing meaningful. The books I was meant to be reading for classes sat unnoticed on the table, belonging to another life. Yes, it’s a dangerous thought, I know. But it seems that way to me now. It couldn’t have felt any other way. I feel belonged to another life.
Ahh, I’m just having a rough week, otherwise. But there’s no way I’m gonna bitch about it. Enough damage, I guess. Period.
I'll be fine,
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Let’s have a recap about what happened this week:
Asa (my roommate) went home last week. Family matters, she said. That’s understood. This week, she’s gone. As in really gone. The table’s been cleared, locker emptied- ( none)
I hate the thought that I knew what happened and I did. She left.
I hate the fact that she gave it up when I thought her life was doing pretty well.
I hate the way she left us. That was a tad cruel.
I hate it if she thinks that’s the best for everyone. I think not.
I hate it when she told me things so casually; and only me.
I hate myself when I acted so casually in turn; as if none of this ever happened.
I hate it when she thought I would understand, though I know I would eventually.
Sigh. Yes, I know I would eventually. And that sucks.
I’m not in good shape, really. In fact, I’m upset. Yes, I’ve been upset the whole week over this thing. And over myself. It was really hard to be unaffected; to pretend to be happy and smile in front of those who knew not. I thought I’d rather keep this feeling all to myself, knowing none would bother.
Galoh (a good friend of Asa) came over today. She looked for Asa, as I had expected. She told me that she couldn’t reach for her, so she came over, thinking she would be around. At that time, I figured out that Asa told no one but me. How could she make me explain for what happened? But I did anyway. I swear I saw that kind of look on her face. She was already teary-eyed. I felt like I’d just said the meanest thing ever (!) God, this is brutal, I thought. I knew it was. But she had the right to know. Sigh.
The fact that I don’t know why this happened and why to me, really. At least, not this sooner. But that’s how things really happen, isn’t it? They couldn’t have ended any other way. Maybe Asa is right all along. Maybe it was the best for everyone. Maybe it was hard for her to say goodbye that she did not leave anything at all. Maybe she told me alone about what happened because she knew I could understand. She knew I would. And I knew it was something she had to do, something her heart told her to- to find where her life really lies? Maybe. I don’t know. I could only hope. It was her choice. Very painful and risky choice. But I respected that. I had to.
God, you know what, sometimes, I wish I don’t understand things. At least, not so easily. And that I wish I don’t see or hear things and rationalize them differently. As if your thought desperately needs a tacit approval of what you’ve seen or heard. Darn. I wish… d’oh; I don’t know what I'd wish for, really.
Well, Asa, if you think it was unfair. Yes, it was. I’m not saying you’re making a mistake, either. I’m glad to know the fact that you’ve finally found your way. At least, your new beginning. Something not most of us could ever find. Not even me, as of yet. I know deep down you’re not giving up, you’re just changing for a better direction. To find what you already knew. Your own continuum.
In the meantime, just be well, ok? ;)
God, we love you we do,
Sunday, January 28, 2007
1) It usually takes me at least 2 minutes to find my other pair of black sandal whenever I go out. Why, people seem to be kicking it whenever they pass my room. Darn.
2) I’ve been turning off the tap while brushing my teeth for the last few months only for two reasons- to conserve the water and… okay, stupid I am but I was hoping Jason would appreciate it (why, he’s sucha mother nature). But hey, it’s a good thing- I echo his desire for nature. No pun intended. Smile.
3) My favourite carrel room (place where I do self-study in the library) has always been 306. Why? It’s more spacious and cozy. Plus, it’s my room number- much easier to remember.
4) I always have “names” wherever I go. No, no bad names that I don’t know of- just names as a way of teasing. From Zizi to Ira...God, it never seems enough. *chuckle*
5) Usually, I’ll take a few hundred shots of the sky. Almost everyday. They may look monotonous for every single shot, but believe me- not really. The sky’s too big to fit in the frame. I can’t help but take a few more. It’s just… overwhelming.
6) I love to put on my pajamas after shower. Day or night… like it or not- you’ll see me in it.
7) I wish I’d known Arabic by heart- so that I don’t have to worry about my grammar so much or wonder what it means so badly.
8) ..and oh, I wish I spoke better French. It’s getting weak and old, ay.
9) I’m such a speed freak. I love watching all sorts of auto racing… A1, F1, you name it. I’m in.
10) I love Jason Mraz and there’s no way I could ever hate him.
Asa (my roommate) thinks the opposite- I’ll hate him when I’ve come to that “highest level of liking”. I doubt it. Okay, so maybe that can happen. I will like him so much that there’s no point of having a boyfriend to ever measure Jason up. I’ll probably stay single for the rest of my life, dreaming over this Jason-who, ( since it’s impossible for him to know if I ever exist! ) And for that possible reason, I will hate him in future.
… but then again, maybe I won’t. It’s just unthinkable. Period.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
I surrender eventually and write these words. The moon wins the staring contest again.
I can’t help but to immediately begin to shape sentences when I see something amazing. It’s my way of feeling like I’m actually standing or lying here with someone. It’s been my best friend and counselor. I think, it’s the reason I’ll probably be single for the rest of my day, the reason I eat ice cream twice in the average night and it’s how I celebrate every aspect of my spiritual self.
D’oh, perhaps the world is just being at its odd tonight. Quiet and mysterious. I think I’ll wake up early tomorrow and see how the day breaks. I’ll watch as the clouds transform from one “face” to another until sunset. Then, later at night, I’ll look up and stare at the moon again. Just to see if it’s doing alright.
I’m reluctant to move. But my eyelids have been battling with my eyesight, tempting to close them both. As much as my eyes desire to have another long look at the moon, I know that I have to let it go. Sooner or later. Sigh. Yawn. Sigh again.
... I guess I'll recoil in my sleep as I dream about the moon. And the rest is ephemeral.
so nature bound,
Monday, January 8, 2007
Well, the sun has yet turned up this morning. At least, it’s not looking all too brightly. The pine trees look plain stiff, though, as if sleeping to dream. Hmm. There weren’t many white clouds, either. Usually, they will slow-dance around the sky, intermingling with the bright sunlight that is gradually showing up every morning. Perhaps, it’s not yet noon. Indeed. Somehow, the clouds make great combos with the trees and the birds, etc- almost seeming picture perfect. Ahh, I just love mornings.
I smile upon recalling what Jason wrote about waking up in the sun and how he savours every moment of aloneness:-
I woke up skipping today, talking to myself and happy to see that all of my houseguests are still sleeping. I will make them pancakes.
It occurs to me that sunlight seems to be just as important as food. You sense the light with your eyes while your sensory information does the analysis. It comes right into your eyes and through your pupil and your skin begins to feel the heat all the same. All this is known. What is not known is, why, after about a minute, this unseen movement of light brings about the smile on my face. Ahh. It’s just amazing that you should be feeling all this at once. Owh, wait, it is a blessing. Wink.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Frankly speaking, I did not want to go. No, you didn’t read it wrong. I did not want to go. Okay, maybe "not wanting" sounds too strong, but I was uncertain on going for several reasons:-
Reason 1: I have exams.
Reason 2: I have exams.
Reason 3: I have exams.
..alright, I lied. Just one reason. One BIG reason not to go.
But I did.
Anyways, I promised to myself (profusely) to study afterwards (though I’m not sure if I could keep it) just to seek the “right feeling” before going. You know, we feel this at times… and it’s just in…evi...table. Smile.
So, when we met, it was like the world had stopped (as in really stopped). It seemed like ages since we last saw each other. Why, I missed her so much (!) Okay, so we talked. We ate. We laughed. We hugged. We walked until we broke. We did the all the 'usual stuff', except that we didn't watch any movie. Well, it seemed that neither of us was really up for it and that we apparently had a lot to talk about. *chuckle* All in all, we had fun. And I didn’t regret one bit about going out that day.
But if only Cik Siti were there, too. :(
…well, at least we had fun FOR her. (I’m thinking of sending her some of our pictures, later. Hmm.)
By the way, it felt really nice that we had so much to talk and that we couldn’t stop. Until the resolution thingy came up-..and the conversation went dead. As in really dead.
But luckily, it was just for 2 seconds. Then we both laughed hard. (I think the whole mall could hear us, ay)
WHY, WE BOTH HAD PROBLEMS WHEN IT COMES TO THIS.
So when I got home, here’s what I thought for my so-called resolutions:-
My Resolutions (2007)
1. I won’t procrastinate.
2. I’ll put more and more effort in every single thing I do.
3. I’ll live a great life.
Well, I guess my list goes shorter and shorter as the year goes. Why, I don’t see the point of making a “list” at all. I know this sounds very pessimistic but I just don’t see it coming. I think it’s a bit odd to suddenly plan your life in the beginning of the year and see how it turn out in the end. Personally, I feel that as you get older, the harder it gets to make ANY resolution. What I’m trying to say is that resolutions don’t work for me anymore. Okay, so there I’ve said it. At least, not much. Buy hey, if this works for you, go ahead. I’m just trying to figure out better ways to improve my ‘oh-so-unmotivated life’. Pun unintended.
Aih, I’m getting sooo old. AND pathetic. I know. ((Sigh))
Okay, so here’s what I think. Rather than making any resolutions, I’ll just do and observe. Yup, I’ll do what I feel best and see how it goes. If this is not going to work, either, I’ll just kill myself at the end of the year.
Alright. Just kidding, ay. *smile*
I love life so much to end it. Yes, at least I know that for sure. I love life as much as I love myself. So suicidal thought is the last option to end my life.
Well, okay, maybe, I don’t think I have loved myself much. Otherwise, all the resolutions would have worked in the first place. Hmm, maybe here’s what I’ll do- I’ll just have to love myself more and more each day. I believe, when I have loved myself truly enough, there rest will come along its way to find its place in me.
Ahh, now, now. That makes sense. Only that, it's NOT a resolution (since the word "resolution" has never worked for years)- I'll think of other name, just anything to keep the fantastic. ( So, in this case, I'll let you know later). Smile.
To Cik Yana, if you're reading this, thanks so much for not only hanging out with me, but most importantly, for showing your random kindness and great understanding. To Cik Siti, though absent, we could still feel your sweet presence in both of us. You two know me best.
Happy New Year,