Sunday, July 20, 2008

Posto! Posto!

So weekend is finally here, but it’s ending soon. It’s been 3 weeks since. Sure, how time flies. It was a tough week for me overall (compared to the previous weeks, really). There were tears and laughter throughout… an obvious indication of the emotions- all of which were running high. Time was never enough well adjusted, as I wanted it to be. I never got to finish the whole pre-reading thing in time. And I was pretty much affected by those around me who were living their lives like nothing bad ever happened and that it was probably the best week (if not, nothing unusual) ever! Okay, so I might not be the only one who’d been in tears (and getting all touchy-feely about things). In fact, those expressions weren’t published to public. Reason being; I just couldn’t let them. Well yes, there were some who were somehow able to read those signs using whatever mechanism hidden therein. Yet, I still couldn’t tell them about the whole recurring story of my life as much as I wanted to. I didn’t know how. Plus, I wasn’t so sure about the expectations and how would they react to those things or would they actually react at all. I’m pretty sure that they also knew that the things that I thought a lot about just don’t have a definite answer. I’d be disappointed either way. So the only existence I could rely on was God, still is, and to Him alone I pray to make firm of my heart and faith and make me a stronger person each day. I’m afraid if I ever told a person, any person in fact… the outcome wouldn’t be so pretty. He/ she would tell me how I think too much unnecessarily and that I should cut myself some slack and something along those lines. So, I don’t bother. I do believe in one thing though, that if anything, no one has the right to take something that you feel most important to you, away from you… no one but yourself. Even if what is right is wrong, (yet that’s another thing to ponder about) you’ll find it out eventually. The truth. All I’m saying is that you may not always get the answer right away easily, but you can definitely direct yourself to it, to what you believe is right in your heart, your intuition, your subconscious mind… the answer is within (no matter how trite that sounds, yes).

Ahh, meanwhile, I’ve been struggling- doing my best here as much as I can. True, it’s been hard adjusting but I’m not giving in. So things are just getting started and that maybe, I’m not pushing start yet. I just realized the very fact that it’s actually difficult to make balance of the things you want to strive for in this life and of course, the next life… which I believe, it is almost and perhaps, the most logical thing to say that it’s even more difficult to fulfill something important without denying or striving less for something which also appears equally important. It can also be described as in another situation where it is impossible to completely fulfill one’s right without oppressing or denying the right of others. The bottom line is: you can’t make everyone happy…or yourself happy as always, but that still depends on how much you’re willing to sacrifice your own things to get all that, be them anything (without having yourself killed, of course, as in this case- that’s the limit) and deep down I know I haven’t given much as a Muslim.

Alright, so I believe some might think that I’m being overly depressed now as they go on reading these lines… I tell you what, I AM NOT. Lol. Even when you want me to, really. So stop analyzing my feelings from this point forward when I’m pretty sure I know what I am feeling or not feeling. I’m not always negative about myself, but even so, I don’t expect myself to be all positive and optimistic, either. Why, it’s hard enough to be it and stay that way. So I breakdown a lot these days, I don’t eat well and that I may not read enough or too much. But I AM giving myself some space indeed- a space to relax and spread out. Not too much nor too far… just about enough. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate your concern I do. And trust me, if anything, I am the most grateful person on Earth to be cared about but just please, don’t treat me like I’m some kind of problematic and impossible kid to deal with who needs special and undivided attention. It’s just that one has to know that different people have different ways of being at ease. Who knows, I might go crazy and be at peace. Haha. So being crazy is another thing, but you get my drift lol. Now that you know the fact, don’t tell me “to cut me some slack” when you don’t even know what that means!

No hard feelings, people. Me loves you guys.