Tuesday, January 30, 2007

when what is bad is not so bad, after all

Let’s have a recap about what happened this week:

Asa (my roommate) went home last week. Family matters, she said. That’s understood. This week, she’s gone. As in really gone. The table’s been cleared, locker emptied- ( none)

I hate the thought that I knew what happened and I did. She left.

I hate the fact that she gave it up when I thought her life was doing pretty well.

I hate the way she left us. That was a tad cruel.

I hate it if she thinks that’s the best for everyone. I think not.

I hate it when she told me things so casually; and only me.

I hate myself when I acted so casually in turn; as if none of this ever happened.

I hate it when she thought I would understand, though I know I would eventually.

Sigh. Yes, I know I would eventually. And that sucks.

I’m not in good shape, really. In fact, I’m upset. Yes, I’ve been upset the whole week over this thing. And over myself. It was really hard to be unaffected; to pretend to be happy and smile in front of those who knew not. I thought I’d rather keep this feeling all to myself, knowing none would bother.

Galoh (a good friend of Asa) came over today. She looked for Asa, as I had expected. She told me that she couldn’t reach for her, so she came over, thinking she would be around. At that time, I figured out that Asa told no one but me. How could she make me explain for what happened? But I did anyway. I swear I saw that kind of look on her face. She was already teary-eyed. I felt like I’d just said the meanest thing ever (!) God, this is brutal, I thought. I knew it was. But she had the right to know. Sigh.

The fact that I don’t know why this happened and why to me, really. At least, not this sooner. But that’s how things really happen, isn’t it? They couldn’t have ended any other way. Maybe Asa is right all along. Maybe it was the best for everyone. Maybe it was hard for her to say goodbye that she did not leave anything at all. Maybe she told me alone about what happened because she knew I could understand. She knew I would. And I knew it was something she had to do, something her heart told her to- to find where her life really lies? Maybe. I don’t know. I could only hope. It was her choice. Very painful and risky choice. But I respected that. I had to.

God, you know what, sometimes, I wish I don’t understand things. At least, not so easily. And that I wish I don’t see or hear things and rationalize them differently. As if your thought desperately needs a tacit approval of what you’ve seen or heard. Darn. I wish… d’oh; I don’t know what I'd wish for, really.

Well, Asa, if you think it was unfair. Yes, it was. I’m not saying you’re making a mistake, either. I’m glad to know the fact that you’ve finally found your way. At least, your new beginning. Something not most of us could ever find. Not even me, as of yet. I know deep down you’re not giving up, you’re just changing for a better direction. To find what you already knew. Your own continuum.

In the meantime, just be well, ok? ;)

God, we love you we do,


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