when what is bad is not so bad, after all

Let’s have a recap about what happened this week:

Asa (my roommate) went home last week. Family matters, she said. That’s understood. This week, she’s gone. As in really gone. The table’s been cleared, locker emptied- ( none)

I hate the thought that I knew what happened and I did. She left.

I hate the fact that she gave it up when I thought her life was doing pretty well.

I hate the way she left us. That was a tad cruel.

I hate it if she thinks that’s the best for everyone. I think not.

I hate it when she told me things so casually; and only me.

I hate myself when I acted so casually in turn; as if none of this ever happened.

I hate it when she thought I would understand, though I know I would eventually.

Sigh. Yes, I know I would eventually. And that sucks.

I’m not in good shape, really. In fact, I’m upset. Yes, I’ve been upset the whole week over this thing. And over myself. It was really hard to be unaffected; to pretend to be happy and smile in front of those who knew not. I thought I’d rather keep this feeling all to myself, knowing none would bother.

Galoh (a good friend of Asa) came over today. She looked for Asa, as I had expected. She told me that she couldn’t reach for her, so she came over, thinking she would be around. At that time, I figured out that Asa told no one but me. How could she make me explain for what happened? But I did anyway. I swear I saw that kind of look on her face. She was already teary-eyed. I felt like I’d just said the meanest thing ever (!) God, this is brutal, I thought. I knew it was. But she had the right to know. Sigh.

The fact that I don’t know why this happened and why to me, really. At least, not this sooner. But that’s how things really happen, isn’t it? They couldn’t have ended any other way. Maybe Asa is right all along. Maybe it was the best for everyone. Maybe it was hard for her to say goodbye that she did not leave anything at all. Maybe she told me alone about what happened because she knew I could understand. She knew I would. And I knew it was something she had to do, something her heart told her to- to find where her life really lies? Maybe. I don’t know. I could only hope. It was her choice. Very painful and risky choice. But I respected that. I had to.

God, you know what, sometimes, I wish I don’t understand things. At least, not so easily. And that I wish I don’t see or hear things and rationalize them differently. As if your thought desperately needs a tacit approval of what you’ve seen or heard. Darn. I wish… d’oh; I don’t know what I'd wish for, really.

Well, Asa, if you think it was unfair. Yes, it was. I’m not saying you’re making a mistake, either. I’m glad to know the fact that you’ve finally found your way. At least, your new beginning. Something not most of us could ever find. Not even me, as of yet. I know deep down you’re not giving up, you’re just changing for a better direction. To find what you already knew. Your own continuum.

In the meantime, just be well, ok? ;)

God, we love you we do,

r_L

awesome mates

.: Muiz:. .: Alep:. .:Anas:. .:Ayouq:. .:Aynie:. .:Faex:. .:Nana:. .:Me:.

(for better view, please click on the pic)

nothing much

There are a few things that always happen to me every now and then. I find it amusing sometimes now that they’ve become part of my routine. Y’know…the unavoidable kinds of things.

I’ll leave you to ponder some random stuff I have noticed:

1) It usually takes me at least 2 minutes to find my other pair of black sandal whenever I go out. Why, people seem to be kicking it whenever they pass my room. Darn.

2) I’ve been turning off the tap while brushing my teeth for the last few months only for two reasons- to conserve the water and… okay, stupid I am but I was hoping Jason would appreciate it (why, he’s sucha mother nature). But hey, it’s a good thing- I echo his desire for nature. No pun intended. Smile.

3) My favourite carrel room (place where I do self-study in the library) has always been 306. Why? It’s more spacious and cozy. Plus, it’s my room number- much easier to remember.

4) I always have “names” wherever I go. No, no bad names that I don’t know of- just names as a way of teasing. From Zizi to Ira...God, it never seems enough. *chuckle*

5) Usually, I’ll take a few hundred shots of the sky. Almost everyday. They may look monotonous for every single shot, but believe me- not really. The sky’s too big to fit in the frame. I can’t help but take a few more. It’s just… overwhelming.

6) I love to put on my pajamas after shower. Day or night… like it or not- you’ll see me in it.

7) I wish I’d known Arabic by heart- so that I don’t have to worry about my grammar so much or wonder what it means so badly.

8) ..and oh, I wish I spoke better French. It’s getting weak and old, ay.

9) I’m such a speed freak. I love watching all sorts of auto racing… A1, F1, you name it. I’m in.

10) I love Jason Mraz and there’s no way I could ever hate him.

Asa (my roommate) thinks the opposite- I’ll hate him when I’ve come to that “highest level of liking”. I doubt it. Okay, so maybe that can happen. I will like him so much that there’s no point of having a boyfriend to ever measure Jason up. I’ll probably stay single for the rest of my life, dreaming over this Jason-who, ( since it’s impossible for him to know if I ever exist! ) And for that possible reason, I will hate him in future.

… but then again, maybe I won’t. It’s just unthinkable. Period.

Life's good,

r_L

Nature bound

I surrender eventually and write these words. The moon wins the staring contest again.

I can’t help but to immediately begin to shape sentences when I see something amazing. It’s my way of feeling like I’m actually standing or lying here with someone. It’s been my best friend and counselor. I think, it’s the reason I’ll probably be single for the rest of my day, the reason I eat ice cream twice in the average night and it’s how I celebrate every aspect of my spiritual self.

D’oh, perhaps the world is just being at its odd tonight. Quiet and mysterious. I think I’ll wake up early tomorrow and see how the day breaks. I’ll watch as the clouds transform from one “face” to another until sunset. Then, later at night, I’ll look up and stare at the moon again. Just to see if it’s doing alright.

Yawn.

I’m reluctant to move. But my eyelids have been battling with my eyesight, tempting to close them both. As much as my eyes desire to have another long look at the moon, I know that I have to let it go. Sooner or later. Sigh. Yawn. Sigh again.

... I guess I'll recoil in my sleep as I dream about the moon. And the rest is ephemeral.

so nature bound,

r_L

Sunshine*

I woke up soonago- feeling tired and excited at the same time. Then I realized it is Monday, the day when everyone else is having their “Monday Mania” while I just happen to be unaffected. Smile. My class starts at 10, which means I still have 2 hours away of sleeping. Only that I won’t. My mind appears to be full of beans right now to feel sleepy again. No kidding. The bed looks good and all tempting, but I’ve gotta get up somehow. I’ve been sleeping for so long over the weekend as much as I’ve been staying up late, thanks to mid-exam (which in turn has caused my brains a major breakdown afterwards). Grin.

Well, the sun has yet turned up this morning. At least, it’s not looking all too brightly. The pine trees look plain stiff, though, as if sleeping to dream. Hmm. There weren’t many white clouds, either. Usually, they will slow-dance around the sky, intermingling with the bright sunlight that is gradually showing up every morning. Perhaps, it’s not yet noon. Indeed. Somehow, the clouds make great combos with the trees and the birds, etc- almost seeming picture perfect. Ahh, I just love mornings.

I smile upon recalling what Jason wrote about waking up in the sun and how he savours every moment of aloneness:-

I woke up skipping today, talking to myself and happy to see that all of my houseguests are still sleeping. I will make them pancakes.

I love being alone in the kitchen in the early morning. All I can hear is the dragging of my feet on the tile and the echo of cups, pans, and the backwards kiss of the refrigerator door when I pull it open, tearing at it's suction and painting a light across the floor.The first light of the earth appears just outside of my back door at the edge of the yard. I'm there for it often to see it arrive after a long night out. I..m lucky to live so close to the sun. It..s a good neighbor.

Sunrise and Sunset are the best hours of light for your body and mind because it is light you can actually ingest by looking at it, into it and it into you, absorbing its remarkable resources thru your pupils. Other times of day the light will just burn your eyeballs out. That's Awesome.

It occurs to me that sunlight seems to be just as important as food. You sense the light with your eyes while your sensory information does the analysis. It comes right into your eyes and through your pupil and your skin begins to feel the heat all the same. All this is known. What is not known is, why, after about a minute, this unseen movement of light brings about the smile on my face. Ahh. It’s just amazing that you should be feeling all this at once. Owh, wait, it is a blessing. Wink.

keeps shining,

r_L

..looking up and about*

... I took a few hundred shots of the sky from outside my window room. They looked so awesome that I know I have to have them here. By the way, I purposely put them all in one and have them arranged accordingly (to time taken in one day) from dawn to dusk... and yea, they do look awesome.

...why, the sky has never looked so lovely.

r_L

Happy New Year~

I had a blast on my first day of New Year- I went out with my girlfriend, Cik Yana ( the kind of calling we use for each other) at the not-so-great- MidValley (we couldn’t think of other place since everything was a rush). Well, I don’t intend to tell you every bit of the details (though I’d love to) –just so you know, it was overall… awesome. Grin.

Frankly speaking, I did not want to go. No, you didn’t read it wrong. I did not want to go. Okay, maybe "not wanting" sounds too strong, but I was uncertain on going for several reasons:-

Reason 1: I have exams.
Reason 2: I have exams.
Reason 3: I have exams.

..alright, I lied. Just one reason. One BIG reason not to go.

But I did.

Anyways, I promised to myself (profusely) to study afterwards (though I’m not sure if I could keep it) just to seek the “right feeling” before going. You know, we feel this at times… and it’s just in…evi...table. Smile.

So, when we met, it was like the world had stopped (as in really stopped). It seemed like ages since we last saw each other. Why, I missed her so much (!) Okay, so we talked. We ate. We laughed. We hugged. We walked until we broke. We did the all the 'usual stuff', except that we didn't watch any movie. Well, it seemed that neither of us was really up for it and that we apparently had a lot to talk about. *chuckle* All in all, we had fun. And I didn’t regret one bit about going out that day.

But if only Cik Siti were there, too. :(

…well, at least we had fun FOR her. (I’m thinking of sending her some of our pictures, later. Hmm.)

By the way, it felt really nice that we had so much to talk and that we couldn’t stop. Until the resolution thingy came up-..and the conversation went dead. As in really dead.

But luckily, it was just for 2 seconds. Then we both laughed hard. (I think the whole mall could hear us, ay)

WHY, WE BOTH HAD PROBLEMS WHEN IT COMES TO THIS.

So when I got home, here’s what I thought for my so-called resolutions:-

My Resolutions (2007)

1. I won’t procrastinate.
2. I’ll put more and more effort in every single thing I do.
3. I’ll live a great life.

Well, I guess my list goes shorter and shorter as the year goes. Why, I don’t see the point of making a “list” at all. I know this sounds very pessimistic but I just don’t see it coming. I think it’s a bit odd to suddenly plan your life in the beginning of the year and see how it turn out in the end. Personally, I feel that as you get older, the harder it gets to make ANY resolution. What I’m trying to say is that resolutions don’t work for me anymore. Okay, so there I’ve said it. At least, not much. Buy hey, if this works for you, go ahead. I’m just trying to figure out better ways to improve my ‘oh-so-unmotivated life’. Pun unintended.

Aih, I’m getting sooo old. AND pathetic. I know. ((Sigh))

…

Okay, so here’s what I think. Rather than making any resolutions, I’ll just do and observe. Yup, I’ll do what I feel best and see how it goes. If this is not going to work, either, I’ll just kill myself at the end of the year.

Alright. Just kidding, ay. *smile*

I love life so much to end it. Yes, at least I know that for sure. I love life as much as I love myself. So suicidal thought is the last option to end my life.

Well, okay, maybe, I don’t think I have loved myself much. Otherwise, all the resolutions would have worked in the first place. Hmm, maybe here’s what I’ll do- I’ll just have to love myself more and more each day. I believe, when I have loved myself truly enough, there rest will come along its way to find its place in me.

Ahh, now, now. That makes sense. Only that, it's NOT a resolution (since the word "resolution" has never worked for years)- I'll think of other name, just anything to keep the fantastic. ( So, in this case, I'll let you know later). Smile.

Just adding in:

To Cik Yana, if you're reading this, thanks so much for not only hanging out with me, but most importantly, for showing your random kindness and great understanding. To Cik Siti, though absent, we could still feel your sweet presence in both of us. You two know me best.

Happy New Year,
r_L